The Potter Parodies
by ImSlowlyTurningIntoYou
Summary: WE'RE BACK! All of Harry Potter's epic adventure, with a slight comedic twist. We think slight! Ch16 UP!
1. The Boy Who Lived

**Chapter 1: The Boy Who Lived**

**Authors Note: I don't own Harry Potter. **

**Also: This story is going to be a little random, but will follow the events of the books, so if ya don't like reading random comedy, don't read it!**

All was quiet in the quaint little village of Godric's Hollow; the night swept the firmament with an empty loathing. Not a star could be discerned in its vast array, creating a perfect setting for Halloween. Yet many cozy houses and quaint cottages had retired in the late night due to the ominous bleakness, something seemed disturbing in its wake. A cloaked figure walked in a clandestine manner along the road, flanked by houses. All throughout the street, lights were out, as families slept through the vile night, except for one peculiar two-story villa alit with an excited air. Through the second floor window, the cloaked figure gazed; in it was a fairly young man, with raven black hair, eying his young son humorously, blowing bubbles from a wooden wand into his face.

_What kind of an idiot blows bubbles in a kid's face?, _thought the cloaked figure.

As he watched ever more vigilantly, a second figure with red sweeping hair appeared in the window, arms resting imperiously on her hips as she stared at the bubble blowing idiot.

"James, what kind of an idiot blows bubbles in a kid's face?"

_That's my kind of woman, _thought the cloaked figure.

"The idiot you married plumpy pumpkin." replied the father in a flirty voice.

The cloaked figure was disgusted at the term.

The red haired lady leaned and pecked the man's face with a kiss.

"You know I don't like that name."

"Oh come off it, it's ingenious!"

"Ingenious? Then tell me who's the genius that left Harry to play with that Erumpment Horn in his toy box. Those are dangerous!"

"No they aren't, Sirius and I used to always use them at Hogwarts. They sure gave Severus a run. Heh heh."

The cloaked figure started to get annoyed at the petty talk of everyday spousal life.

"I'll never get the naughty boy out of you James," she sighed and changing the subject, "So...was the Wizarding Bowl Game a blast?"

"Oh yes, Remus and I both knocked the competition. He even got a bit naughty and mauled Lucius' expensive dragon tux. I had to pay for dry cleaning, but the expression on his face was worth it."

The idiot beamed happily.

_That idiot Lucius, he didn't kill him when he had the chance; I'll make a mental note to Crucio him._

"So are we all packed to visit the relatives, hunnybuns?" asked the woman in another flirtatious voice.

"Ah… well I meant to pack but Peter Pettigrew wanted to tell me something at his house, but when I apparated, he wasn't there."

_Enough of this crap! Explodicus!_

The door exploded and chunks of molten wood flew through the air as the idiot said, "Honey could you get the door?"

_Time to die! _"ABRA KADABRA!"

A bunny appeared out of the end of his wand and landed on the ground.

"Oops, sorry." _Always get those mixed up._

The idiot then said, "Who are you, you look familiar?"

"I am LORD VOLDEMORT!"

The wife gasped, her mouth agape, as the idiot husband said, "That sounds familiar… now where have I heard that before. Nope…wait…nowhere."

"You will pay for your insolence small fry! AVADA KADAVRA!"

"Don't look at the light honey!" The wife yelled.

"Pretty greeeeeeen liiiight!" Then he exploded through the wall, and admitted all his sins.

"No…honey." She said as she stifled a yawn.

"Give me the boy!" Lord Voldy shouted his voice chilling blood below absolute zero.

"I would rather die than give him up!"

"You don't have to die, ya know…we could arrange a date at the Leaky Cauldron… ya know… I have Death Eaters who are undercover there ya know… it would be magical ya know… someone as purty as you wouldn't… have to ya know…die."

"You shall not pass."

"That's what a first year told me when I tried to cut him at Hogwarts! Now… no more talking! Now… you…DIE!"

She gasped, and the camera zoomed in on each of them for thirty minutes, before Voldemort yelled, "AVADA KADAVRA!"

The alien light smothered the soul of Lily, her body doing a triple back-flip and a double helix before hitting the ground. The child clapped his hands at the spectacular show.

The mother now dead, the Dark Lord loomed over the baby boy laying on the floor, his dark cloak billowing like a curtain in a hurricane.

With a swish of his dark wand he uttered_ "Sweepicus garbagecus!"_ Lily flew like a rag-doll out of the Dark Lord's way toward the baby boy. The boy's gaze met his, sudden with fear. Voldy smiled as he advanced, his boots shaking the ground with each step. Then the boy's face exploded into a rosy cheeked smile. Voldemort halted, watching the boy's gaze drop to his imposing boots pointing like merciless daggers. Voldemort soon lowered his gaze to his feet in reply. A brown blotch stained the carpet that his right boot had stepped on. His nose soon detected a waft of odious displeasure, as the boy started to laugh. Voldemort gazed stupefied at his right boot as he lifted it up, poop dripping from the very **sole** of his de**feet**.

"Crap happens dear boy… not that you will escape it."

He raised his deadly wand. The boy grabbed his Erumpment horn.

"Avada!"

The boy threw the Erumpment Horn.

" KADAVRA!

The green light collided with the horn, much closer to the Dark Lord of course, and in an explosion of epic proportions, Voldemort was obliviated and thrown into a dimension of death, doom, and dental hygiene.

As he spun down a whirlwind of tapioca and egg yolk, he exclaimed "Nooooo! The power of LOOOOOVVVVEEEE!"

In the meantime the boy clapped in jovial adoration but was struck by a lightning shaped piece of shrapnel in the forehead.

Shortly after, the uber-climactic battle of iron wills, a soft whistling noise, which sounded like a wounded lark trying to hit a high 'c' broke the deathly silence. There was an old man skipping down the road.

He pulled out a device that looked oddly like a lighter and clicked it. A small orb of light disappeared from the lamppost, and rushed toward the old man, who clicked the button back and forth; the light dancing around like a drunk hit with a confundus charm. He let out a shriek of pure delight, and put the device back in his pocket, but the old man forgot that the light was now zooming toward him, like a nuclear missile aimed at Fat Albert. Greybeard screamed like a girl as his greybeard caught on fire, and after a bizarre hour of trying to find a Muggle water fountain he returned to the alleyway, his beard now half-gone, and half-black.

The elder walked up to the door and knocked on it. After five minutes he decided he'd have to get in himself. He said something under his breath and the door came off its hinges and landed outside of the house, but not before smacking the old man square on his freshly broken nose.

He strode in, not minding the dead corpse in the living room until he bumped into it. The old man nearly fell over, but stopped to focus his half-moon spectacles at the blob on the floor (his wand license forbade him from casting without corrective lenses). To his surprise, he saw a limp body in his way. "James? Do get up; your death charm doesn't amaze me." He leaned closer to the body.

"Are you deaf? Get up. Wingardium Leviosa!" The man's body levitated like a lifeless corpse (which it was!). "Alright James you asked for it." He looked around to make sure no one was watching. "CRUCIOO!" The body just lay there.

"Well," gasped the bearded wizard, "I do say we have a problem." He raced up the stairs, only to see what was once a room, but was now a heap of debris with torn walls, shreds of paper, and toys of all assortments. Greybeard gasped at the woman lying dead at the end of the stairs. "Lily's dead too? Better make sure, CRUC-"

"Wahhhhhhh!"

The wizard stood still, looking for the source of the sound. It cried again with more determination. With a leap, Greybeard was lifting bits of brick, wallpaper and soot from a child smothered in the pile. "Harry…" he muttered tenderly. "What is this?" he brushed away the dark hair of the baby's forehead to see a brilliant scar etched like a blade stroke.

"Cool." He replied.

"You poor child, how did this happen?" As he said this, the neighborhood seemed to wake up from the onslaught that besieged the Potter Residence. The wizard further delved with his blue eyes into the boy's, green and frightful. "Don't worry, you're safe Harry," said the old man Dumbledore, slowly rising with the frightened child in his grasp, as voices excited with dread and alarm punctured the rather quiet night atmosphere.

Dumbledore whipped out his iPhone and dialed a number. He talked for a while before dialing another number and doing the same. Fifteen minutes later, Dumbledore was still stroking the baby and reminding him that he had, "Nothing to fear."

Suddenly, a noise like an attacking beehive approached the house. A giant motorcycle exploded through what was left of the Potters' home. A giant behemoth leapt off of the motorcycle and the world shook immensely.

"Professor 'Umbledore, where is James an' Lily?"

Dumbledore continued to stroke Harry, "Oh….they're –uh- dead." He smiled.

Hagrid's eyes filled with disbelief, almost as fast as they filled with tears, he began to cry, and within a few drops Dumbledore was up to his chin in water.

"HAGRID! STOP CRYING!"

Hagrid flipped one last tear away, and Bathilda Bagshot's cottage exploded from its impact.

"Hagrid, I know it's hard for you that a raving lunatic broke into the Potters' house and brutally murdered two of your best friends. Whenever I am confronted with such things, I simply look on the bright side. Next time we go to the Disco, it won't cost as much."

This didn't seem to stabilize Hagrid's emotions.

"There will be more salsa at the fiestas!"

Hagrid seemed to be taking their deaths well. "Okay 'Umbledore. Whatda ya 'on't me ter do?"

"I need you to wait for one last person; she should be here any minute."

Suddenly the Potter's house changed into a disco floor.

"Minerva's here," said Hagrid.

Then a cat leapt in through the window, and started to dance.

"Minerva, I need you to…"

The cat kept dancing.

"Minerva!"

On she danced.

"MINERVA! THAT'S IT! CRUCIO!" The cat screamed like a…well, a cat being run over. She turned back into a wrinkly, old, prune of a woman.

"That hurt, Albus!"

Dumbledore didn't seem to be paying attention.

"Do you think that I should let Hagrid take the baby on the motorcycle?"

McGonagall looked like she was going to have a seizure, "What! Give the kid to that insolent buffoon!"

"Okay it is settled," said Dumbledore, "Hagrid take the baby."

"What! Have you not listened to a word I just said? Why did you even bring me here?"

"I don't know," replied Dumbledore. He then apparated to Privet Drive, and waited for Hagrid while carving a dove in some soap. He finished the dove as Hagrid flew in on the motorcycle.

"Eh Professor 'Umbledore can I ask yeh eh question?"

"Sure."

"Why didn't yeh 'ust apparate Harry over here instead 'a waitin' fer me to fly o'er?"

Dumbledore seemed to forget that he had allowed Hagrid to ask a question, as he delivered Harry to the Dursley's doorstep.

"Good luck…" he paused for dramatic effect, "Harry Potter."

"An' 'on't 'orget tuh right," said Hagrid as he started to fill Privet Drive with tears. The camera panned in on Harry's scar (like ya didn't know he had one,) and then zoomed out, to a giant sign that said

_**HARRY POTTER and the**_

_**SORCERER'S STONE**_

Then the dorky theme song started to play.


	2. The Vanishing Glass

**Chapter 2: The Vanishing Glass**

**Nine and two hundred twenty-five three sixty fifths later.**

It was dark and cramped and it was home to a boy, home to the Boy Who Lived. As he tossed and turned in his sleep, the spiders weaved their webs, and sucked the fluids out of flies. Above him was a masterpiece that the spiders had made, that said:

_**SOME BOY!**_

Sadly Uncle Vernon had never noticed that.

But just then a noise came from above. It was that of Dudley, for it shook the house. He was running down the hall, about to fall into Harry's trap. He was getting closer, closer, and then he heard it, the sound of Dudley slipping on the toy car Harry had put there last night. But Dudley didn't stop after one fall, he fell all the way down the stairs, creating a thump after he landed on each one as Harry laughed in his sleep.

Soon, Aunt Petunia screamed at Harry, "GET UP! AND MAKE THE BACON!" Harry flicked two spiders off his glasses, before putting them on. He then walked into the kitchen, where his blob of an uncle was reading the newspaper.

Dudley was watching TV, and Harry heard a little bit of what it was saying, "I will call it….a sandwich! Great moments in history will return." Harry laughed as he started to cook the bacon.

"Oh look the post is here," Harry's Uncle Vernon said nonchalantly, "GET IT HARRY!" he shouted, his face turning in to a fruit gusher.

Harry went to the door as Aunt Petunia went to take over the bacon. Harry laughed, as he knew his plan was coming together. Petunia picked up the pepper, with which Harry had conveniently replaced with Uncle Vernon's gunpowder, and poured into the frying pan. It exploded into Aunt Petunia's priceless face, ruining her mascara, even though you couldn't see it through the remnants of bacon.

"POTTER!" Vernon turned purple, as Harry forgot about the post and ran to the cupboard under the stairs.

"POTTER! Come back, we have to take you to the zoo with us, because Mrs. Figg got hit by a train and won't be back for a week!" Harry jumped out of his cupboard and rushed out to the front door. Uncle Vernon leaned over toward Harry and said, "Any funny business boy, any at all, and I'll take away your Scrabble privileges for a week!"

They stepped out of the house and into the car. Next to Dudley sat his friend Piers 'Pompous' Polkiss. As they drove down the street something caught Dudley's attention.

"Hey look a magic shop."

Vernon turned around while still driving, "Don't say magic!"

"Magic!" Harry said, eyes filled with wonder.

"I'm warning you boy!" Vernon stuck a finger into Harry's face, the car quickly swerving from the road.

"Vernon look out!" shouted Aunt Petunia.

But alas, Vernon was too fat to turn around and hit the break, and his car had a meeting with a shed on the side of the road.

"AAAGH!"

A police man pulled over and gave Vernon a ticket for driving while looking backwards, and then they were back on their way.

It was the funniest day of Harry's life; Dudley got pooped on by a bird, Vernon was fined for yelling at Harry, and disturbing the peace of the baboons. Yup, the day was going pretty good, and that's when Harry met the snake.

After the aquarium, Dudley decided he didn't like fish and decided he wanted to see reptiles more, though Harry doubted he knew what a reptile was.

Vernon and Dudley were banging on the glass shouting, "MOVE!" The snake simply sat there, and soon Dudley got annoyed. Harry went over and started talking to it, not that it could hear him.

"I bet people do that all the time to you, eh?" Harry was only allowed to watch Canadian television.

The snake moved and looked Harry straight in the eyes. It was strange, perhaps Harry was just imagining it, but it looked like the snake was actually listening.

"Do you hear me?" Harry asked in bewilderment.

The snake's head bobbed up and down, its scales shining from the florescent lights, and Harry's eyebrows went up faster than the business stock for Oreo's.

"Wow." Harry couldn't believe it; he was talking to a snake.

Then suddenly, Dudley recognized that the snake was moving and yelled, "It's moving, it's moving!" Harry noted that Dudley was very observant. He and Piers pushed Harry out of the way, and Harry's blood started to boil.

Then, almost magically I dare say, the glass disappeared and Dudley fell right into the snake's pin.

Dudley was screaming like a girl, as Harry yelled, "Get him! Get him!" Harry saw the snake prime its razor sharp fangs for an attack.

The snake must have bit Dudley a dozen times before slithering off and saying, "Thanksss, gringo."

Three hours, and one ER room later they were back at the house. Vernon dragged Harry into the house stepping through a ton of owl pellets.

"Bloody PIGEONS!" Vernon yelled.

Vernon chunked Harry into the cupboard and said, "NO MORE MEALS FOR A WEEK!"

"I DON'T CARE!" yelled Harry, "I CAN STEAL FROM YOU FAT IDIOTS WHILE YOU'RE ASLEEP!" Vernon slammed the door shut and closed the vent at the top of the door with a slap. He wobbled back to the kitchen to brace the icebox with 2by4's.


	3. The Letters From Someone

After being locked in his closet for a week Harry awoke to discover that Dudley had destroyed all of his birthday presents, and run over Mrs. Figg with his bike, breaking her arm again.

Also Dudley had been given his new Smeltings uniform. Frankly, Harry thought that he looked like a dork. He and his gang were always strutting around, and poking Harry with their Smeltings Sticks, and pulling up their knickerbockers. Uncle Vernon said that Dudley was the spitting image of himself in the olden days. Harry couldn't bear to think of Uncle Vernon wearing the Smeltings uniform.

Anyway it was like any other droopy Monday at Privet Drive, Petunia busily scurrying about the kitchen like a spider dropping pancakes drenched with syrup to Vernon and Dudley. With a sip of his coffee he said, "Dudley, could you please get the mail, dear?" Dudley reared his pudgy face to Harry, who was staring at a fly landing on his horse liver.

"Make Harry get it."

"Get the mail Harry."

"Make Dudley get it."

"Give him the Smelting's Smash Dudles!" Dudley rapped Harry across the face with his new stick.

"Ouch! Okay I'm going!"

The 11 year-old Harry scurried from the breakfast table evading Dudley's nasty probe as he went to get the mail. As he peered through the letters he saw one from that hag Aunt Marge, some bills, and a sportsman magazine called "Guns 4 U" addressed to Dudley. He walked back to the Dorsey House, not realizing until he gave Vernon the day's mail that there was another letter. As he looked at it, Vernon opened his sister's letter. "Marge's ill, ate a funny whelk," he muttered. Harry paid no attention. On the strange letter was an "H" emblazoned on a red coat of arms addressed as such:

**Mr. H Potter**

**The Cuburd under the Stairs**

**4 Privet Drive**

**Little Whinging**

**Surrey**

Harry's eyes bulged in astonishment, a letter for a poor abused child? The thought of him even getting a birth certificate was unheard of. It couldn't be.

But just then, Dudley 'the idiot with the attention span of a Frenchfry' Dursley exclaimed "Look! Harry's got a letter!", and snatched it with his porky fingers before handing it to the even more Snitzengruber sausage-fingers of his father.

"That's mine!" exclaimed Harry in shock.

"Ha! No one would be writing to a dork like you!" laughed Vernon. However, the laughing part ceased quite unpleasantly when he looked at the address. He lunged out of his chair faster than Harry had ever seen him devour a donut, knocking the table over and launching tea and toast everywhere. Harry couldn't meet eyes with the puffy fruit-gusher face of his ballooning uncle.

"Into your cupboard! Now!" Harry didn't have to be told a second time, at that moment Vernon sent Dudley to further probe Harry with his Smelting Stick.

The next day like any other, Mr. Dursley kissed his angular wife goodbye, only to his dismay to see a flock of owls resting on his car. "Bloody Pigeons! Shooo!"

For the rest of the day, Harry lay in his cupboard thinking of what that letter was. He laughed at the thought how it addressed him as "the cupboard under the stairs". But how did they know he lived under the stairs? He was also elated to see how intricately crafted the letter was, the mysterious red seal with an "H" in its center and green colored words. What kind of organization would want to contact him, a worthless nobody, with such care and respect?

"BLOODY PIGEONS!" barked Vernon as he slammed the house door upon returning from work. The soot from the ceiling fell on Harry's spectacles from the shear force.

Harry decided to then see how Dudley was doing. As he made his way to the living room, Uncle Vernon was curiously sitting in front of the fireplace with a pile of parchment beside him. Harry soon realized that the pile of parchment was actually many copies of a letter that Vernon was throwing in the fire. Harry got closer, alerting him as he sluggishly turned to hold a batch of the same letter Harry got yesterday.

"See what happens when you try to mess with Uncle Vernon?" he smiled deviously, his round cheeks alit with a maniacal persona from the fire's mysterious light. Harry soon noticed that his uncle's sweater sleeve was on fire as he sneered triumphantly, so he turned and went off for an early sleep. When he closed the cupboard door, he heard a horrified scream followed by the undeniable shriek of Aunt Petunia and Dudley fill the house. Harry lay down, contented.

The next morning, Harry awoke, to find his Uncle nailing the mail slot shut. His Aunt was pleading with Uncle Vernon, "Please Vernon, you can't think this will really work."

"These people's minds work in mysterious ways, Petunia." Uncle Vernon proceeded to hammer in a nail with a fruitcake. But, thought Harry, they can just slip them under the door.

So the next day, Uncle Vernon sealed up all the cracks around the door, humming "Tiptoe through the Tulips".

Uncle Vernon cackled insanely. "Sunday…in my opinion, is the best day of the week, and why's that Dudley?"

Dudley responded "Ewh oh oh." through his cake as he shrugged.

Harry suggested, "Because we have church on Sundays?"

"No, because there's no freaking post on Sunday!"

Then a rumbling sound filled their ears, emanating from the fireplace.

Abruptly, one little letter fluttered out of the fireplace, landing on the mat right in front of it. Vernon went to check it and yelled, to the fireplace, "Is that the best you can do!"

Then, the rumbling returned and Vernon gulped as a wave of letters lifted him up off the floor and toward his couch with a gargantuous crash. Luckily, he kept the 'Use In Case of Emergency' box in the front room, and pulled out his flamethrower. His insane laugh returned, but it was very unfortunate for Vernon that the letters behind him had also caught fire, igniting the gas tank on his flamethrower. An explosion erupted, and nothing was left but the charred, collapsed, skeleton of their old house.

"WE'RE GOING AWAY!" Uncle Vernon shouted, the neighbors in the meantime dialing the police at the insane display, "FAR AWAY! WHERE NO ONE CAN FIND US!"

Uncle Vernon threw them all into the car and slammed the pedal with his meatloaf-sized foot. He drove them through England for hours, taking back-roads, and making hairpin turns while saying, "Gotta shake those bloody pigeons off." Uncle Vernon looked out the windows and surveyed the skies; once he was sure there were no birds following, he stopped at a hotel.

Uncle Vernon had just changed into his pajamas, and was telling Harry he'd have to sleep on the floor, when he heard a knock on the door. He walked up to the door and opened it. The desk clerk was standing in front of him with a bag.

"This is addressed to a Mr. H. Potter, I got about a hundred of 'em up at the front desk."

Harry leapt around Uncle Vernon and snagged a letter. Uncle Vernon tried to rip the letter out of Harry's hand yelling, "Get him! He broke into our room!"

The clerk tackled Harry to the floor, as Harry released a large grunt.

"Oh sorry, my mistake. That's my nephew," Vernon chuckled rubbing his hands on his bulbous stomach.

After the clerk had left, Uncle Vernon laughed, "No letters for you M'boy!" Harry suppressed a want to pop Vernon's balloonish face with a needle.

It was already near 9 P.M. when Vernon was finally satisfied that the 'bloody pigeons' couldn't catch them. He rented an old shack somewhere off the coast of England on a rocky old wart of an island. The scenery was quite bleak, with dark waves crashing against the estate, reverberating loud thunderous displeasure to Potter and the Dursleys.

Harry decided to stay up not because of the booming waves, but because of the artillery bombardment of Vernon's snoring. How could Petunia even sleep with such a rail-gun? The accommodations were so bad the floor was but wispy dirt for Harry to lie on.

At least he could outline a cake with the words 'Happy Birthday Harry' etched in it, for today at exactly 12:00 A.M. it would be time for his little party. The digital clock next to him soon signaled midnight, surprisingly not awakening the hibernating Dursleys.

_Make a wish Harry, _thought the miserable boy. He blew away the cake drawing as if blowing the candles; it slowly dissolving into the muddy abyss that Harry figured would be the rest of his life.

**BOOM!**

Harry gasped as he turned his head to the door, the sound came more fiercely.

**BOOOM!**

Someone apparently wanted to wish Harry a happy birthday…


	4. The Keeper of the Keys

**BOOOM!**

"Where's the cannon?" shrieked Dudley, squirming out of bed like a disturbed cockroach. Vernon, surprisingly, jumped up fast in his flannel blue bathrobe with a 20 gauge double-barrel shotgun shaking in his sweaty hands. Clearly, his appearance leaved much to be desired by The British Army. Scrawny Petunia shook behind his bear-like wake, both facing the door and fearing the monstrosity behind it.

**BOOOOM!**

Harry watched in fear as the door fell like a tree freshly sawed, revealing a dark towering silhouette outlined by a background of blue light that seeped through the room. The creature had a huge hairy head that took up all the space the shoulders and neck occupied, and its jacket fluttered ominously in the light. With deafening thumps from its anvil-sized boots, it approached the Dursleys. Aunt Petunia let loose an ultra-soprano scream. Vernon's eyes narrowed like squishy raisins, his gun shaking even more violently at the chimera. It came closer… and closer…and closer…and…

The dim lantern hanging by a beam overlooking the figure lit his face, his eyes sparkling, round cheeks glowing and an immense tuft of a beard resting on his colossal chest.

"Sorry aboot tha'" he said cheerfully to the Dursleys, picking up the besieged door and placing it back on its hinges with a guttural moan and stress of wood. He could barely lift his shaggy head, else he hit the ceiling.

"I demand that you leave at once sir! You are breaking and entering!" wheezed the lumpy defender Vernon, as his mustache fluttered from his pathetic attempt to turn the intruder. The giant rumbled toward the Dursleys. Vernon seemed to deflate like a flabby cake every step he took. Finally he stopped, Vernon's shotgun almost touching his belly. With a firm grasp of his trash-bin lid hands, he bent the muzzle up to the ceiling with a defeated moan of metal as Vernon watched bewildered.

"Dried-up Dursley yeh old prune." said the giant, his thick brown brow knitted in a "V" shape. In a delayed reaction, Vernon pulled the trigger.

**BOOM!**

The shotgun blew the shells like a thundering carronade up into the ceiling, burning Harry's ears. Dust splattered on Mr. and Mrs. Dursley as the ceiling creaked. A sharp crack soon followed with a great **BANG **from the ceiling. The crate-sized slab of rock that fell from the ceiling lay peacefully on the giant's head, his expression quite blank. It then slid off and shook the room with a clutter when it hit the floor. There was an odd silence for about thirty seconds, with the distant wind and furious waves being the only noise.

"Harry!" exclaimed the giant, his arms expecting a hug, as he faced Dudley. "Yer lookin' a bit fat fer a firs' year! May'e yuh should lay off day Twinkies!" He pointed to his great barrel-chest. "Jus' a thought."

Dudley stuttered "I … I'm not Harry."

Harry walked out of the shadows. "I am"

The giant twirled in disbelief. "Uh? Well of course ya are! Yer gotta big head, anyway. I meant to get ya sumf'n fer yer birthday." He motioned to his great duster, picking out a box wrapped with a piece of string. "Here ya go. Mighta passed gas on it once, but, I'll imagine it tastes like mama used ter make!"

Harry grabbed the package, only to detect a reeking odor of rat pus and whale flab. He undid the string and opened it. What seemed once be a cake was now a slimy green frosted anthill crawled with maggots that seem to have a pulse as an edge seem to bulge frighteningly in rhythm on its surface. Harry hid his face behind the box to avoid the giant's expectant gaze as a maggot crawled over "Happee Birthdae Hairy" in brown frosting. Trying to mask his putrefied face from the giant, Harry managed a squeaky, yet courteous thank you.

"Its not ev'rday yer son turns sev'n now is it!" replied the friendly fellow.

"I'm eleven sir," Harry squeaked. Hagrid didn't hear. "Who are you?"

"Rubeus Hagrid, Shack Manager at Hogwarts."

He shook Harry's whole underfed arm with just one hand vigorously.

"Hogwarts?" questioned Harry

"Yeah, ya'know the school a' witchcraft n' wiz'rdry."

"Sorry, I don't know."

"SORRY!" roared Hagrid, turning his Neanderthal head to the Dursleys, alight with rage.

"Blimey Harry! Didn' ya ever wonder where yer parents learned the squishy jinx?"

"Learned what?"

"IT'S AN OUTRAGE! IT'S A SCANDAL!" (Bravo Hagrid for such clear dialect)

"I did not have sex with that woman!" yelled Papa Dursley. Petunia looked at him angrily.

"Yeh do know aboot yer parents, they're famous. Yer famous," Hagrid continued.

"My parents were… famous, but they died in a car crash."

"A CAR CRASH? LILY AND JAMES POTTER? DURSLEY!"

Vernon turned a weak shade of pale green as Hagrid neared.

"Yer never told 'em? Never gave 'im that letter that Dumbledore left fer 'im? And ya kep' it from 'em fer all these years?"

Besides a wimpy cry from Vernon, the room grew quiet again of conversation.

"What was it?" said Harry excitedly.

"Ya ever make anyth'n happ'n? Somfin ya can't explain?"

"I'm Willy Wonka?"

"No yer bloody well not."

"ohhh…"

"Yer a wizard, and a thump'n good one I'd wag'r, if ya be trained up of course."

"I'm a what?"

"Her', it's time ya read yer letter."

Harry recognized it as the exact one Vernon tried to keep from him all this time.

_HOGWARTS SCHOOL _

_of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY_

_Headmistress Albus Dumbledore_

_Dear Mr. Potter,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Enclosed is the list of all necessary equipment. _

_Term begins September 1. We wait for your owl by no later than July 2. _

_Sincerely,_

_Albus Dumbledore Minerva McGonagall_

_Headmistress Deputy Headmaster_

After Harry finished reading the letter aloud, Hagrid looked at the letter inquisitively with his squinty beetle eyes. "huh, tha's funny, never tho't the headmast'r was a girl and deputy headmistr's a man. Oh well."

Harry exclaimed "What's an owl Hagrid?"

"Gallopin' Gorgons! I almost fergot," bellowed Hagrid pulling out a coarse quill and live owl from his coat. He quickly scribbled:

**Deer Pruhfeser Dumbuldor,**

**Givn Harry his lettr**

**Takn him to by his thaengs tomoro**

**Wether's horibul, Hope yur wel (SIC)**

**Hagrid**

He then attached the note to the owl's leg and sent him off. Harry watched, enchanted by the natural way of communication that these 'Wizards' communicated with daily.

"He will not be going!" wheezed Vernon, his face deflated in fear from the giant he just sneered at… or maybe it was the rat pus from the cake.

"Oh n' I serpose a muggle like yerself's gonna stop 'em r' ya?"

"Muggles?" questioned Harry.

"Right h'nded people."

Harry turned to face his cheating aunt and uncle, blaring with anger.

"You knew! You knew I'm a … wizard."

"Knew!" shrieked Aunt Petunia." "Of course we knew! How could I not know, with my dratted sister doing that stupid card trick and making the salt shaker disappear! And then getting herself and that Potter boy blown up! I was the only one who saw her for what she was."

"Blown up!" shouted Harry in disbelief.

"They never told you?" ensued Hagrid.

"I'LL NOT HAVE SOME TOOTHLESS OLD FOOL TEACH HIM MAGIC TRICKS!" exploded Vernon, although he regretted ever raising his voice when the giant looked at him.

Hagrid turned mechanistically toward him, pulling a pink umbrella out of the bowels of his coat. Vernon shrank as he approached; a poodle to a rotweiler. He tapped Vernon's belly with the puny parasol every word he growled in disdain.

"**NEVER-INSULT-ALBUS-'UMBLEDORE-IN FRONT A' ME"**

He then turned to Dudley, still shivering from the encounter. Hagrid shrugged his mountainous shoulders.

"Not that I don't like ya Dudley, but I'm **MAD!" **A brilliant light exploded though his parasol, igniting the room with color. Dudley screamed and blew through the wall, the Dursleys yelping in distraught as they raced to their pudgy 'Duddykins'. He howled with pain and screeched like a boar as he and the Dursleys cared for him.

Harry cackled maniacally and shouted "Do it again! Do it again!"

Hagrid put his weird death umbrella away as the Dursleys tried to make a run for the sea.

"Wow, yer almost like Lord V-"Hagrid stopped, quite embarrassed. He then walked toward Harry, his shadow engulfing his frail body. "Strictly speakin' I'm not allowed ta do magic." He gave off a guilty and somewhat ornery smile.

He then lit up and bellowed, "Well, as the Dursleys fancy a swim, do ya want ter come with me to get yer school supplies?"

Harry couldn't express words to this generous proposal; he simply shook his head in delightful agreement.

"Alright we're off!" said Hagrid. "But I fancy a night cap. We'll sleep here fer the night and you can ask ta yer heart's content about Hogwarts, while I get a nice fire goin'."

He took the parasol and shot flames into the fireplace, producing a roaring fire.

Harry felt the cold leave his body with its saturated warmth, even the wind and sea quieted down to the snaps and crackles of the welcoming fire. Hagrid lay down on the sofa in front of it, hardly noticing the immense strain the sofa gave as it moaned and creaked. Harry nestled himself in the Dursley's bed, readying to ask Hagrid about this world of magic.

"So Hagrid, what is Hogwart-"

"**AAAAAAHHHHNNNNKKK-SSSSHHHOOOOO…"**snored Hagrid, already sound asleep.

Tonight was the first night Harry slept with an intense excitement for the future of his life.


	5. Diagon Alley

_Authors Note: Yeah this chapter doesn't start with 'the'._

Harry rolled over in bed; Aunt Petunia's knock coming through the door.

"Alright…I'm coming." He spun out of bed, and hit the dirt floor. The tapping was getting louder; Harry tried to stand up. Then, there was the sound of shattering glass. Harry put on his glasses on and saw that an owl had just busted through the window, and was now flying over Hagrid.

It dropped a newspaper on Hagrid as he yelled, "W-Where are ya an' whatdya done with Fluffy?" The owl started to peck at Hagrid's coat. Hagrid turned over in his sleep, as the owl jumped up and started to bite him. "I won't tell ya no matter whatcha do ter me!" Then he woke up and shouted at Harry to pay the owl.

After a few minutes of searching through Hagrid's coat he found some oddly shaped bronze and silver coins which he gave to the owl. Hagrid sat up, now fully awake, and yawned; wincing in pain from the cuts on his face. The giant stood up, and the couch seemed to exhale.

"Okay…so time ter go to Diagon Alley."

"-Eh Hagrid, what's Diagon Alley, exactly?"

"Oh..." said Hagrid, putting on his coat, "it's whur wizards can –eh- buy stuff."

"Anyway, Hagrid, how do we get off this rock, and how do I get money to buy everything?"

"Yer ferst question I'll answer now, yer sec'nd 'ne I'll answer lat'r… if I remember. Well anyway I guess we're going to have to row back to the mainland." Hagrid and Harry stepped into a boat off the shore of the island. The boat gave a moaning whelp as Hagrid nestled in its claustrophobic space, nearly spilling ice cold water in it.

"Harry, look!" yelled Hagrid, Harry turned to see what he motioned at. Hagrid mischievously bewitched the boat to move toward the mainland as Harry said "What Hagrid? I don't see anything."

Once on the Mainland, the boat autonomously reared around and went back to the Durselys. Harry watched in bewilderment as it disappeared in the horizon.

"So anyway Hagrid, where do I get money to pay for all this?"

"At Gringotts Wizerd Bank o' curse. It's a gi'nt und'rground bank fer wizards; yeh'd be mad ter try 'n robit tho'. Yep, no safer place, 'cept fer maybe Hogwarts."

Hagrid and Harry walked to a nearby train station where they took a ride to London. Hagrid was knitting a canary yellow tent, and all the Muggles were looking suspiciously at them.

"So ya got yer letter stull." Harry pulled out the piece of parchment and unfolded it.

**UNIFORM**

_First year students will require:_

_Three sets of plain work robes (black)._

_One plain pointed hat for clan wear (black)._

_One white glove._

_One winter cloak (black, silver fastenings)._

_One fedora._

_Please note that all first years must wear nametags for the first term._

**Course Books**

_The Standard Book of Spells (Year One)_

_By Spelsare Kuhl_

_A History of Magic_

_By Bathilda Bagshot_

_Magical Theory _

_By Adalbert Quaffling_

_A Beginners Guide to Transfiguration _

_By FlipSwitch _

_One Thousand Magical Herbs and Funguys_

_By the RAAC_

_Magical Drafts and Potions and Drafts and Potions and Drafts_

_By Arsenius Jiggy _

_Fantastic Beasts and Where to Confront Them_

_By Bear Grylls_

_The Dark Forces: A Guide to Self Protection (And Ways to Kill Others)_

_By Obi-Won Kenobi_

**OTHER EQUIPMENT**

_1 Wand _

_1 Cauldron (Pewter standard size 2. (In metrics of course.))_

_1 set glass or crystal phials_

_1 telescope_

_1 set of brass scales_

_1 Dragon Ball_

_Students may bring an owl or a toad or a cat or a rat or a pheasant or a partridge or a liger or a raven or an ostrich. _

_FIRST YEARS ARE NOT ALLOWED BROOMSTICKS_

"So, can we really get all of this?"

"If yer know where ter go!" Harry and Hagrid walked through the streets of London, before coming to a dark bar that smelled of rotten eggs. "Here ya go! The Leaky Cauldron, one o' the mos' famous places in all er wizard kind!"

"Famous for what, the smell?" asked Harry. Hagrid stepped into the pub and was greeted cheerfully.

"Hey Hagrid," waved the barman, "would you like some Firewhiskey?"

"No thanks Tom, I'm on official Hogwarts business."

"Not even some Butterbeer?"

"No."

"Not even Sherry?"

"NO! I'M ON HOGWARTS BUSINESS!" Hagrid stomped the ground, his foot fracturing the floor.

"What exactly are ya doing?"

"Bringin young Harry ter get his money, er I mean buy his school supplies," he said slipping his foot from underneath the floor.

Everyone in the bar froze, and suddenly started making their way toward Harry. All along the bar there were whispers of, "Harry Potter…"

An old man came up to Harry said, "Bless my soul it isn't butter!"

Then a man in a purple turban came up to Harry, "Harry," said Hagrid, "This is Professor Quirell, one of the teachers at Hogwarts.

Harry extended his hand, expecting a shake. However the professor nervously declined with a step away from Harry. He then cracked a nervous smile and said, "I-I t-t-teach Defense Against the D-D-D-Dark Arts. Not that you n-n-n-n-need it eh!"

He tried to look friendly, leaning over to Hagrid, "The-the f-f-force is st-st-strong with this one e-eh!"

Hagrid looked strangely at Quirrell for a long second before saying, "Okay Harry, need ter get goin'." After making his way through the Leaky Cauldron, and shaking a few dozen hands, Hagrid and Harry ended up in an alleyway, with a dead end.

"So what do we do now?" asked Harry.

"Jus' watch this!" said Hagrid obviously full of himself. He tapped a few of the bricks on the wall, and nothing happened. "Humph!" he said as he tried again. "Aaahghh!"

"Something wrong Hagrid?" Tom the barman had just snuck up on them.

"Eh…I fergot the combernation." Tom laughed his head off and Hagrid looked furious with himself. Tom walked up to the wall and tapped a few bricks, making the wall open to a gate to Diagon Alley.

Harry stepped out of London and into an entirely new world. Hagrid followed behind him, as Harry gazed at all the different shops. Kids were running around and talking about how much money that each needed to put in to buy a dungbomb. Harry didn't know a lot of the magical lingo, but he had a pretty good idea of what a dungbomb would be.

"Come on Harry, Gringotts is this way." Hagrid gestured for Harry to come over and Harry followed, till they got to Gringotts.

Gringotts wasn't that large, and Harry wondered how all the wizards in England could fit their money in there, but then he realized that most of Gringotts is underground. On the front of the bank door was an engraved poem.

_Welcome stranger, take what you need_

_But, if you succumb to greed _

_And take what isn't your own_

_You may not be going home_

_For if in the safe your butt is caught_

_We'll leave you there until you rot_

"Like I said, yeh'd be mad ter try ter rob it." Harry stepped inside to see that the establishment was operated by a bunch of short long-eared freaks.

"H-Hagrid w-w-what are those?"

"Uh, surry. I fergot you didn't know aboot goblins."

"Those are Goblins."

"Yep. Thur not the kind a' creature yeh'd like ter mess with." They stepped up to the font desk, and Harry was still scared that they would attack him.

"Uh- we've come ter open Harry Potter's vault."

The goblin leaned over the desk to look at Harry as he said, "Do you have the key?"

"Uh curse I got the key." He dug threw his coat, and had to pull out seven blue sweaters that he had knitted before he came to the key. "Hur it is, oh and I need ter take you-know-what out of vault seven hundred thirteen. I got a letter from 'Umbledore hur."

He handed him the letter and the Goblin replied, "Very well," in his best Star Trek voice. "Griphook, take them to the Potter vault and vault seven hundred thirteen."

Griphook nodded and then bobbled like a penguin down out of the room saying, "This way."

Harry and Hagrid followed him to a cart that was on a railway and they all jumped in. Griphook pushed a button and they started to zoom through the maze of railways extremely fast. Hagrid was looking green, and Harry thought he heard somebody yelling from inside one of the vaults, "HELP ME! I'VE GOT A WIFE AND THREE KIDS!"

Hagrid almost fell over when they had got off the cart, and Griphook opened the vault with his key. Harry was amazed at all the gold that was in the vault, and dived into it, as Hagrid snuck about twenty galleons into his pockets. After Harry had swum in his gold, they jumped back into the cart to go to vault seven hundred thirteen.

"Can we go slower this time?" asked Hagrid.

"One speed only," said Griphook as he snickered, pressing the button again. When they had got to the vault, Griphook told them to stand back while he opened the door with his magical little goblin hands. Inside the vault was a small package that looked like a flea in Hagrid's giant palm.

"Hagrid, what is that?"

"Can't tell ya Harry. Official Hogwarts business." He and Harry got back into the cart (much to Hagrid's dismay).

Harry managed to thank Griphook for taking them to the vault, but all Hagrid could say was, "Ughhgoo."

Hagrid seemed to lose his sickness now that they were back in Diagon Alley. Hagrid decided that they should go to Madam Malkin's first to get his robes. As he dropped Harry off he told him he needed to get a drink at the Leaky Cauldron after what had happened in Gringotts.

Madam Malkin was a short, plump, witch dressed in mauve. "Hogwarts dear?" she asked.

He nodded.

"Just come over here, there's another boy from Hogwarts being fitted for his robes right now." Harry stood on a stool and turned to look at the pointy faced boy next to him.

"Hello… Hogwarts too?"

"Yes," replied Harry.

"My father's buying my books and my mom is looking at wands. After that I'll probably drag them to look at racing brooms. I can't see why first years can't have them. I'll probably bully father into buying me one and then I'll smuggle it in to the school somehow. You know I think I should have any kind of broom I want I mean after all I'm a…" The pointy faced kid stopped. Harry was strongly reminded of Dudley. "Have you got your own broom?"

"No."

"Play Quidditch?"

"No," wondering what Quidditch could be.

"My father thinks that it would be a crime if I didn't make the House Team and I must say that I do well agree. Do you know what House you're going to be in?"

"No," said Harry, not having to wonder if he was coming across as a total idiot.

"I'm going to be in Slytherin. My whole family has been in Slytherin. It would be terrible if you got put into Hufflepuff; I think I'd kill myself, wouldn't you?"

"Errr," said Harry.

"Hey look at that idiot over there." Hagrid was waving at Harry through the window.

"That's Hagrid, he's the Gamekeeper at Hogwarts."

"Oh, that fat oaf. I've heard that he lives in a little hut and gets drunk and sets fire to it every once and awhile."

"Shut up blondie."

The pointy kid's face turned into a grimace, "How can you be standing up for _him_!"

"Okay you're done," said Madam Malkin, unaware that anyone had been talking as Harry ran to the door, almost forgetting to grab his robes.

"Gotchure robes, I see."

"Yeah Hagrid, so where do we go next?"

"I guess we need ter buy ya some perchment and quills." Harry and Hagrid went into a store that sold just that, and Harry found a quill that would draw whatever you wanted. He drew a mustache on himself and beamed happily.

After they left the quill shop Harry asked Hagrid about Quidditch.

"Blimey Harry, I fergot you was such an idgit."

This didn't make Harry feel any better.

"Well it's a spert in the air on broomsticks, with four balls, but its hard ter explain….Howboot we go ter Flourish 'n Blotts an' getchure school books."

Flourish and Blotts was a room with a ton of books in it. Harry found some interesting books in there, like _The Dark Arts for Beginners by Death Eater Bob_ (which he knew Hagrid wouldn't let him get.) but he did ask for _Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Lip-shutting, Inflation, Crack Removal, and much, much, more.) by Professor Iplaya Prankonue_.

"Thure is no way yure getting' that book," said Hagrid, pouring through _Dangerous Beasts and How to Love Them. _

"Hey Hagrid, if I bought you that book, could I have this?" Harry suggested.

"…uh…okay. Jus' get outer my way," said Hagrid, angry that he had allowed himself to be bribed.

Harry looked at what else he needed to get for Hogwarts.

"I still need… a wand."

"A wand, take Ollivander's, ain't no better place, though I got mine attuh cheapo discount atuh Muggle Magic Shop, I be'lieve it twers called 'Magi-Mart'. Anyway, you go on in I'll got one more thing ter do befer we leave."

Harry watched the dwarfing giant part the crowd like a giant Moses, before going in the shop.

Harry first found the great dusty warehouse deserted before seeing an old man slide along a scooter ladder against a bookcase filled with different shaped boxes.

"I wondered when I would be seeing you, Mr. Potter" gleamed Mr. Ollivander amiably.

He made to step off the ladder but slipped, crashing to the ground causing the bookcase to tip over with a creak. Soon all the others fell like dominos until they crashed with a boom into the wall.

Ollivander replied "Seems only yesterday that Lily made me fall while getting her wand, heh heh, ten and a quarter inches, swishy, made of willow. Nice wand for charm work. Your father on the other hand favored a mahogany one. Eleven inches, pliable, a little more power and excellent for transfiguration."

He had a hard time getting up, but soon was already touching Harry's scar. "I'm sorry to say I sold the wand that did it." He said softly. "Thirteen and a half inches, yew, powerful wand, and in the wrong hands." He motioned over to the desk still blabbering.

Harry started to lose his patience. "Well of course you knew Lily's cousin, Albert, 9 inches, rosewood, very artsy and brittle, very good at household work. Now your father's second cousin, bless his soul, had a red cherry wand, very bendy like licorice, quite entertaining watching it cast hexes-"

"Alright! Can I buy my own wand now?"

Ollivander stared at Harry and Harry thought he was about to yell "Respect your elders boy!"

"Oh yes! Let me see. De-duh-de de de dideee…"

He vanished behind the bookcase still standing, and returned a few seconds later with a wand and gave it to Harry.

"Well… give it a wave!"

He gave a gesture and the wand exploded in Ollivander's face.**BOOOOOM!**

"Explosive Greenleaf core, not one of my better ideas. COUGH! "

He went back and brought a more stubby and coarse wand and handed it to Harry.

Harry felt a devious sensation from the wand and flicked it.

A great slash cut open a support for a shelf with many priceless vases. Without a buttress, they splattered with a bang! PSSSCCHH! BLOTKSSSCCCHHH!

"No no! Definitely not!" squeaked Ollivander, returning to the bookcase and this time bringing a grey pen-like wand to Harry.

Harry gave a swash, expecting another funny thing to happen. SQUIRT! The wand blotched Harry's face with black ink, soon dripping profusely. Ollivander suppressed a giggle. "Sorry, have to have some payback for those who ruin my shop."

Ten minutes and Twenty-Three wand trials later, Ollivander motioned toward the bookcase and didn't return for a long time. Harry then heard him say "I wonder." He returned, a bit more cautiously, walking very slowly, as if holding something very treasured. He handed it slowly to Harry, upon touching it a warm sensation erupted through his whole body, and angels started singing out with a dorky orchestra, as an omnipotent light shined on the '**BOY WHO LIVED'. **

"Curious. Very curious." muttered Ollivander.

"What's so curious?"

"It just so happens that the same fossilized caprolite of a phoenix that is in the core of this wand…is also the caprolite of the phoenix of the one who gave you that scar." He pointed frighteningly at Harry's forehead. "It is clear we can expect great things from you, Amazing!-I mean terrible... but great things."

"What is a caprolite?"

"You don't want to know."

"Harry! Harry!" tapped Hagrid on the window. Harry saw Hagrid had bought a beautiful snow white owl. He was ecstatic with joy at the sight of his first pet, considering Dudley always squashed his pet spiders and gave his own pet dog a gallon of ice cream, sadly making him die of gastro-bypass surgery. Everything was going spectacular, except for the fact that somebody shared the same 'caprolite of a phoenix' in a wand as he did.

When they were finished buying Harry's scales and cauldron Harry asked, "What are Slytherin and Hufflepuff?"

"School 'ouses. Thurs four of 'em."

"I bet you I'm in Hufflepuff," Sad Harry said.

"Better Hufflepuff than Slytherin. I'll tell ya every wizard ur witch who evur went bad was in Slytherin. I, meself was in Gryffindor. Untul I got expelled in my third yur."

"How'd you get expelled?"

"'Eyyy… look! The Apothecary. Gotta get some stuff fer potions class."

"But, Hagrid, I don't need anything for Potions, except the scales and cauldron! And I already have that!"

"Eyyy….yeah, how 'bout we get some'in ter eat."

Harry eyed Hagrid suspiciously as they walked briskly through the throng of wizards and witches. What was Hagrid trying to hide? Harry couldn't fathom that perhaps, Hagrid couldn't pass his third year at Hogwarts.

Eventually they made it back to the smoky atmosphere of the Leaky Cauldron. Hagrid motioned to Tom, "Oi! What's the special t'day Tom?"

"Fresh Newt Ribeye! Imported from Barloney Brussel's Newt ranches."

"Blimey Tom! I didn't know you were already choppin' poor… sniff … little… friendly Newts. You'll hear from us; the Rights Against Animal Consumption, R-A-A-C…" he spelt in disdain, tears gushing out his beat face."… will knock you 'n yer filthy friends outta bis'ness ya devious li'ul Blasph'm'r!"

"N' I suppose yer '_raac' _of friends'll come and save yer furry blighters!"

The tavern erupted with laughter, turning Hagrid's face into a deep violet almost as bad as Uncle Vernon's.

"We'll have the Boy Wizerd's Salad." snuffed Hagrid. Tom got two salad bowls and gave them to the emotionally unstable Hagrid. He then paid the bartender and motioned Harry to sit at an empty table.

"Jus' stick close ta me Harry, we're bett'r than 'em dogs that-"

"You're a vegetarian?" exclaimed Harry.

"Veg'rtari'n is such a strong werd, Harry."

They sat and ate their cold meat free dishes, as the white owl tried to snap at Harry's hair behind the cage. Harry merely played with his fork, as Hagrid shuffled mouthful after mouthful of salad in his mouth.

"What do you think I should call her?"

" munch munch hmmm…ohhh… call 'er Edwoog"

"Hedwig Yes! Alright Hedwig. That's your new name now," The newly named Hedwig looked a little pissed.

Silence ensued as Harry tried to think of something to say.

"You never told how my parents died."

"Now Harry, ya don't need ter know how yer parents died. It'd just bring ya mur grief ter know they wur killed by a murderin', ravin' lunatic." Hagrid froze. "I shouldn't a said 'at."

"Who killed them?" demanded Harry.

"Pipe down, 'on't want no one ter ovurhur us. Anyway, V-Vol-V. I can't say his name."

"Just right it down then."

"Did ya se how I wrote Happy Birthday on yur cake!"

"Then just whisper it."

"Voldemort," he winced. "Anyway, V- You-Know-Who killed yer perents and if yer eager tuh hur more, read Chap'er one o' the _Potter Parodies by ImSlowlyTurningIntoYou_."

"Really Hagrid, I want to know."

"Oh alright, well… back then were dark times, dark times. Vvv-, he-who-must-not-be-named was a bad wizard, about as bad as ya can go, although not as bad as me mum, she was-"

"Hagrid!"

"Oh sorry, anyhoo… he- who-must-not-be-named started to gather some foll'wers, brought 'em to the dark side, like Vader… Yer parents died tryin' ta save you. What makes ya so special is that somfin happened tha' night. Voldemo-, the guy who tried ta kill ya, sumhow got his curse backfired, only giving you tha' scar. This ain't no coinkydink Harry, you shoulda died that night but, yer the _Boy Who Lived_."

Harry was disturbed, but then asked "What happened to Volde-"

"Don't speak his name!"

"Sorry."

"Well… sum say he died. Codswallop if ya ask me. I reckon he's still out thur, too tired ta carry on."

Harry had lost his appetite;

Such news about his existence was frightful, yet the amazing prospect of a magical world ripe for the picking easily made Harry dismissed the looming fear of…dum dum dummmmm.

**VOLDEMORT**


	6. The Journey From Platform 9&3 Quarters

_**A/N: Back to 'the' chapters.**_

Hagrid and Harry walked through Kings Cross station, a million faces surrounded them, and they all passed by, without a second thought. "Blimey," said Hagrid, looking at his watch, "is tha' the time. Okay well I got ter go. Yer train leaves in ten minutes, hurs yur ticket." Harry gazed at the ticket.

**THE HOGWARTS EXPRESSS**

_Platform_

_Nine_

_And_

_Three_

_Quarters_

"But Hagrid, what's this mean, nine and three quarters?" Harry asked, but Hagrid was nowhere to be seen, which was surprising because of how…large he was.

Harry was scared out of his wits. He didn't even know how to get to his train and it was leaving in ten minutes. He pushed his trolley over to a security guard, who was helping an old lady find the train to Lincolnshire. "Uh…sir?" Harry asked. "Where is platform nine and three quarters?"

"Nine and three quarters, think your being funny do'ya, and why do you have a bloody owl in here?" Harry pushed his trolley away and walked up to platform nine. Right next to it was platform ten, but no nine and three quarters. Harry starred at it for a while, before realizing there was no way that there could be a platform nine and three quarters. He kept walking around the station a while, before he saw an inconspicuous family, who were pushing trolleys with the exact things Harry was pushing. He heard the mother say "Stupid Muggles," and his suspicions were confirmed. Harry followed slowly behind them.

There was one older boy, who had a very large nose, and was holding it high. He had red hair, just like the rest of his family. Next, there were a set of twins, who were lanky, and were wearing matching clothes. Harry couldn't even tell them apart. There was a younger boy who Harry supposed might be a first year, or a little older. He was taller than Harry and pudgy, and Harry noted there was some dirt on his nose. Then there was the mother, who was short and plump, and looked like she had a nice smile, but also looked like she could explode. Lastly, was a little girl who Harry supposed would be a first year, or maybe she wouldn't even be coming yet. He was instantly repulsed by her.

They walked up to the barrier between platforms nine and ten, and then the mom said, "Percy."

The boy with the large nose ran toward the brick wall and said, "Bye mum." Harry almost yelled something to alert him that he was running into a brick wall, but Percy ran straight through. Harry couldn't believe it…well actually it wasn't that big of a surprise, since he had seen so many strange things over the past few days.

"Fred." the woman said. One of the twins ran toward the barrier as she said, "George," and he followed. George ghosted in after Fred and Harry stepped up.

"Uh how do I get…?"

"How to get through the brick wall, dear," she smiled, "It's Ron's first time, too." Ron waved the 'my-mom-is-really-annoying-isn't-she-wave'.

"Just walk through the barrier between platforms nine and ten…best do it at a bit of a run so you can break your nose if it doesn't work." Harry ran through the barrier and Ron followed, being transported to platform nine and three quarters.

It was like being taken to a new world, the air was fresher, with a much more exciting mood erupting through the station. Harry's eyes couldn't take in any of the aesthetic beauty at once. The warm buzz of people jostling about painted a tapestry of enchantment. The platform was made out of brick and suspended bright lights illuminated the dark station. But the focal point of the picture was the giant red steam engine, belching pure white exhaust from its smokestack. It was so clean that it seemed to Harry that it was a life-sized toy train. On it written in gold said:

_**The Hogwarts Express**_

Harry hardly noticed he was still staring at the train, when it hissed a whistling warning of its departure. Harry quickly raced to the baggage car, dodging baggage-men loading cargo with their wands, families crying watching their children leaving, and a conductor shouting "Aaaaall Aboard!" Harry quickly placed his school stuff down, and then ran to the caboose carrying only Hedwig and his robes as he climbed aboard, the owl repeatedly banging her on top of the bird-cage. Harry gave his ticket to the conductor and boarded.

The halls were cramped and alive with cart stewards and excited students, some already in their robes. Harry quickly found a compartment with no one occupying the red patted benches. With a satisfied grunt, he sat next to the window, holding Hedwig's cage and his robes. With one final whistle, and shudder of brakes, the Hogwarts Express gained speed.

"Well Hedwig, we're off!" laughed Harry. The sun poured into the passenger compartment as they left the station. Harry delighted in watching the English countryside, passing hollyhocks, many sunny houses, grazing cattle, particularly one with overalls chewing cud by the fence, and fluttering sparrows. About several minutes later, Hedwig was pecking stubbornly at the lock on his cage. Harry promptly opened and the jovial owl wobbled out to freedom. Harry patted his feathery companion's head. "I wonder what Hogwarts will be like Hedwig. I'm sure it will be like magic."

The owl turned. "Chirp hi hi, 'like magic'".

Harry was stupefied. "You can talk?"

Just then, a tall red-haired kid was against the glass slide door looking into the compartment. He halfway opened the slide-door, peeking his shiny head in while one of his hands clutched a rat.

"Uh, can I sit here?" he asked, his rat squirming in his hands.

"Sure," Harry replied, and Ron dragged in his robes and his rat and sat down across from Harry.

"I'm Ron, by the way, Ron Weasley."

Harry thought for a second before replying, "I'm Harry…Harry Potter."

Ron's mouth dropped to the floor, "Harry Potter…Do you have the-"

"Scar," Harry said lifting up his hair to show his mark.

"Wicked!"

Harry laughed a little bit, before thinking what it would be like when he got to school, when everyone could see that he was Harry Potter.

"This is Scabbers," he said pointing to his rat, "sometimes he seems like he's almost human."

"This is Hedwig," said Harry, brushing his owl affectionately, "He can talk!"

Ron stared at Harry and was about to say something when a young boy with bad front teeth opened the door.

"Have you seen Trevor...he's a toad," he added.

"Nope," said Ron.

"I haven't seen him," said Harry.

"Well…thanks…" he shut the door and left.

Soon there was a knock on the door, and a witch who had a hook-ed nose, and a few dozen moles asked, "Do ya want anything to eat ya lousy whippersnappers?"

"No thanks," said Ron.

The witch left the compartment as Harry yelled, "Wait!"

"I ain't waitin' for you!"

"I've got money!" he yelled back, and she rushed to his compartment.

Harry pulled out twenty galleons and nearly bought the whole cart. "You want some?" asked Harry.

"Sure!" yelled Ron. "Hey, try one of these Chocolate Frogs." Harry opened a Chocolate Frog, and it jumped off its package. It jumped again, but this time Harry stabbed it with his wand while it was in midair. It gave a screech as Harry proceeded to devour it like a caveman.

"Man, you're brutal," said Ron. They continued to devour sweets, as Ron eyed a package that said Succulent Suckers. Harry found a card at the bottom of the package.

"I got Dumbledore!"

"I got about six of him."

"He's picking his nose," said Harry in disgust.

"Well, what do you expect him to do; he hasn't got any tissues around." Harry decided that he agreed.

As the journey dragged on, Ron regaled Harry with quests and funny memories of the Infamous Weasley Family. "My Grandpa was drafted into the British Army, seeing as he had no choice, he used his magic to protect his lads. He even told me how he gotta German tank to tap dance!"

Then a girl who was already dressed in her robes opened the door to the compartment. She had long bushy hair, and large front teeth, and gave off an aura of know-it-all snobbishness. "Has anyone seen Neville's toad? He's been looking all over the train for it."

"Haven't seen him," said Harry. Ron opened up the package to see a multicolored sucker that he tried to lick. Suddenly it jumped and latched itself onto Ron's nose.

"You have something on your nose," the girl reminded him.

"I KNOW!" he said, ripping the sucker away, with part of his nose.

"Anyway tell me if you see him." She walked away, as Ron was holding his nose in agony.

He managed to say "Ow."

After a few minutes Ron had returned to normal, and was trying to show Harry a magic spell he had learned from his brother Fred. He cleared his voice as the bushy-haired girl returned to the compartment.

"Are you about to do magic, well let's see it," she said as she sat down next to Harry.

"_Sunshine, daisies, butter mellow_

_Turn this stupid fat rat yellow!"_

He waved his wand and Scabbers flew through the air and slammed into the wall.

"Not quite the effect you were looking for was it?" Ron was still trying to see if Scabbers was still alive. "I'm Hermione Granger," she turned to Harry, "and you are?"

"Uh- Harry Potter."

"Holy cricket! I read about you in _A History of Magic_."

"I'm in _A History of Magic_?" _Wow I'm awesome,_ thought Harry.

"And you are?" she turned to Ron.

"Ron Weasley."

"Good to meet you, since I probably won't ever see you again," she said.

She stepped out of the compartment and said, "You should change your robes now; we're almost there." Ron wrinkled his nose at her as she walked out.

"I guess we better follow Hermy-one," said Ron as he and Harry started to change.

"So what's you're Quiditch team?" Ron asked after they had changed into their robes.

"I don't have one," Harry said sheepishly.

"Oh…Well you're going to love it." And Ron started to explain all the positions of the players and what they do, and all the matches he had been to. "So then Ryans, from the Cannons did one of the greatest Chimchong Fakes of all time, and hit the other guy in the head with the Quaffle."

Then, the door opened again, and it wasn't Hermione or Neville, but the pointy-faced kid from Madam Malkin's with two other kids who weren't underfed. "Is it true? Is Harry Potter really in this compartment?"

"Yes, such is true," said Harry.

"So you're Harry Potter. This is Crabbe and Goyle, and I'm Malfoy, Draco Malfoy." Ron gave a cough to hide a snicker. "Think my name's funny, do you? Doesn't take a brain to notice who you are?"

"Then, maybe you can tell," said Harry. Draco's cheeks turned a little pink, but he didn't reply to Harry's comment.

"You'll soon find out that some wizarding families are more legit than others. I can help you there." Draco sneered confidently.

"I'm not quiet interested in being in the mafia yet, but thanks."

"You better watch yourself Potter. You go hanging out with crap like the Weasleys and Hagrid and it'll start rubbing off on you."

"Say that again!" said Harry as he and Ron stood up.

"So you're going to fight us now, eh?" Goyle reached for Ron's Chocolate Frog, and Scabbers jumped onto his knuckle and dug in with his teeth. Goyle screamed like a girl as he threw Scabbers away, and Scabbers met the glass window with a cold reception.

"Let's get out of here!" Draco yelled, as Crabbe and Goyle retreated. Immediately they heard footsteps from down the hall, and Hermione showed up.

"What's going on?" she demanded.

"Nothing," replied Ron as the train stopped.

"We're finally there," said Hermione as she rushed down the hall. Harry and Ron packed up their stuff and walked out of the train. The air was thick with mist, and a lone light shone through the crowd of people.

"Firs' yurs o'er here. Now 'on't be shy."

Harry rushed forward and yelled, "Hagrid!"

"Hey Harry supposed you made it tur the train, eh?"

"I will never forgive you for leaving me there Hagrid." Hagrid laughed wholeheartedly but Harry's expression didn't change.

"Eh…well, firs' years ter the boats," Hagrid yelled as he walked up to the lake. Harry and Ron jumped in a boat, and after Hagrid made sure they were all ready, the boats started to move.

"Now rem'mber," said Hagrid, "don't fall out er the sea munstur might take yuh." Ron gulped.

Harry looked up to the horizon to see the castle of Hogwarts looming over the school grounds. It was alit like an enticing circus, illuminating Harry's astonished face. It was everything he dreamed it would be, medieval towers and turrets with gothic-style architecture. Its lights radiated off the dark lake they crossed, the whole picture a fairy-landish epic."Wicked," muttered Ron, clearly impressed as much as Harry.

Soon the boats stopped at the shore and Neville discovered that his toad had been in Hermione's hair the entire time. Hagrid walked up to the front door of Hogwarts and knocked.

The first night was about to begin.


	7. The Sorting Hat

_**A/N: Hogwarts here we come!**_

The huge braced door opened with a yawning creak. Hagrid allowed the 1st years to pass, growing dreamy-eyed once they entered the castle. Harry and Ron felt as though they were in an alien world, torches and sconces lined the crusty brick corridors, giving them a rich yellow-brown tint. Suits of shining armor flanked the halls as well; Ron swore to have seen one waving at him as they walked on. A stairwell approached, with Draco and his two grubby pals, Crabbe and Goyle, shoving through the weakling midgets to get up front.

Waiting at the end of the stairs was an old witch, wearing a dark green robe and pointed hat, her attention spent messing with an orb crowning the end of the railings of the stairs. She realized that a hundred first years were directing their gaze toward her, making her drop the orb with a thud.

It rolled toward the students spinning like a tornado. With a bong, Draco was sent flying from a direct hit in the chest. Soon others fell and entangled themselves in the ruined mess, screaming. The chaos was soon over, Harry lying on top of Ron with his foot smashing his freckled nose. "Ge… auf…mae…'arrry!" muffled Ron. The witch paid no attention to the disaster of bewildered students brushing dust off each other's robes.

"Ahem… Welcome to Hogwarts," she began. "I am Professor McGonagall. The start of term banquet will begin shortly, but first, you will be sorted into your houses." A murmur of excitement ensued.

"Here, your house will be like your family. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in the house common room, hence the name house." She glanced at the empty position where the orb used to be. "There are four houses called Gryffindor, Ravenclaw, Hufflepuff and… uh…""

"Here it comes," nudged Ron.

"…and Slytherin…" said McGonagall in a disgusted voice. Draco and his crew smiled deviously, giving each other bro-fives.

"While you are at Hogwarts, good deeds will earn house points, while any rule breaking will make you lose points. At the end of the year, the house with the most points wins the House Cup, a noble honor indeed. And yes, if you lay a dung bomb that's worth 100 points, lay another and it's worth 200. Lay a third and you'll be expelled." Ron whispered to Harry "My brothers Fred and George did that."

"Did they win the House Cup?"

"No. Filch, the caretaker knocked points off them."

McGonagall then glanced behind her to the massive double-doors leading to the Great Hall. "The Sorting Ceremony is about to begin, please wait until I return." She disappeared over the steps, resulting in nervous chatter.

"How do they sort us into houses?" asked Harry.

"Sort of a test, Fred and George said that you had an I.Q. test, and if you fail you get put in Hufflepuff."

"If you'd come with me," motioned McGonagall. The wave of students flooded the stairs in reply.

The doors opened automatically, revealing a large chamber with stain-glass windows flanking each side. Four great tables were parallel to the walls. Each house had its own table with older students sitting on the benches. A great, resounding boo filled the great hall, along with shouts of "First years suck!'

Harry then could see a bearded old man at the very end of the hall, sitting in the middle of a large table for the faculty to be seated. He seemed to be tying his beard into a bow as they made their way in. Harry recognized Hagrid and the eccentric Professor Quirrel, while a gothic freak with greasy long hair sat next to him.

The ceiling was astounding for it was as if it was gone and the night sky actually existed in the hall, topped with bewitched floating candles ta boot!

"It's not real" confidently said Hermione. "It's just enchanted to look that way; I read so in _Holographic Ceilings Weekly_."As they shuffled through, Ron was muttering a hundred ways to zip Hermione's mouth shut.

When all finished filing through, Harry saw pearly white figures phase through walls as if they were just air. "Ghosts!" shouted a nervous first year. They quickly assembled by a peculiar pointy old hat sitting on a small stool that McGonagall stood by. All became quiet, as the hat began to move. A crease in its pointy cap functioned as a mouth as it chanted:

_Welcome first years to your school_

_I think it's rather awesomely cool!_

_I'm an idiot compared to you_

_But to another hat, I think I'll do_

_Just come up here and try me on_

_After I sing this dreadful song_

A magical bass line appeared at of nowhere and the Sorting Hat began to sing, to the astonishment of the first years.

_When I was very young_

_This old school had just begun_

_And the founders made all of their groups_

_Then for breakfast had fruity loops_

_So you see this school is made,_

_And on this stool I have been laid_

The hat then broke into yells for each specific house.

_Gryffindor is for those courageous _

_They make Snape shout, "OUTRAGEOUS!"_

The whole Gryffindor table burst with laughter, Harry noticed the air of attention being directed toward the greasy-haired, goth, his expression stone-faced. Harry noticed that even Hagrid was laughing.

_Ravenclaw for those of mind and skill_

_Just be sure to bring a spare quill_

_Well, theirs sucked,_ thought Harry.

_And Slytherin I've yet to mention_

_You'll surely wind up in detention_

Again Malfoy and high-fived his bros.

_And for the rest_

_Hufflepuff is best._

A loud booo issued from the Hufflepuff table, the Fat Friar Ghost shaking his balding tonsure. A short, plump, woman stood up angrily, as Hagrid continued to chuckle. The Sorting Hat took a gracious bow.

_Now that me song is sung_

_Let's come up here and have some fun_

_For tonight we dine so well_

_But tomorrow we study like-_

"Abbott, Hannah!" shouted McGonagall over the Sorting Hat, it grimacing at her interruption of its grand punch line.

A few more people got sorted into their houses, as Harry fell asleep, while standing up. "Granger, Hermione!"

Harry awoke, "Hermione's going up there."

Ron went back to sleep saying, "Who cares?"

"GRYFFINDOR!" the Sorting Hat shouted, as Hermione ran off to meet her table.

Harry stayed up to see Neville get sorted into Gryffindor, and slip on the back of his robes, sliding down the floor into one of the Great Hall's tables.

"Malfoy, Dr-"

"SLYTHERIN!" The hat yelled before Draco's name was finished. He ran to the Slytherin table where he was punched out by an older kid with disfigured teeth.

Harry went back to sleep, and suddenly McGonagall shouted, "Potter, Harry!" Ron pushed him forward and he sleepwalked up to the Sorting Hat. He sat down and the Sorting Hat began to talk to himself.

"Plenty of Courage for Gryffindor, dumb enough for Hufflepuff and enough cunning for Slytherin. This is hard. Where do you think you should be boy?"

"I 'on't care," said Harry, still asleep.

"Okaaaay. GRYFFINDOR!" Harry didn't get up and rush to his table; he simply sat on the stool and fell over backwards. After McGonagall woke him up and directed Harry to his table, the ceremony proceeded. Harry fell asleep at his table, as all the Gryffindors were trying to shake his hand and yelling "We got freaking Harry Potter!"

A few more people were sorted when McGonagall yelled, "Weasley, Ronald!" Ron looked scared as he walked to the hat and took his seat. But it didn't take the Sorting Hat that long at all to shout out, "GRYFFINDOR!" Ron ran to the Gryffindor table and sat down next to the sleeping Harry.

Then the last people were sorted, including a Slytherin with the name Zabini. While Ron was wondering how anyone could get the last name Zabini, Harry woke up, to see that his glasses had been crushed, and hastily asked Hermione to repair them.

With a ting of a fork hitting glass, the hall fell silent. The Headmaster that Harry had seen stood up. "Welcome children! My name is Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts…"

Harry and Ron started to doze off as the speech went on, something about an exciting new year and the 3rd floor and a most painful death. Otherwise it was just blah blah blah.

Both their expressions lit up at the mention of 'feast' and as if on command, food appeared on all the tables. Harry couldn't believe his eyes; never had he dined on such succulent delicacies of divine deliciousness. Ron took a whole bowl of chicken legs for himself; Hermione helped herself to the 'pate de foie gras' ladened crackers.

Harry was quite interested in the goth freak sitting next to Quirrell, who was using his turban as a bib. His scar gave a jolt when the black greasy-haired man stared at him with his cold black eyes. Harry immediately turned around and said to Percy, "Percy, who is that over there?"

"Him? That's Professor Snape, he teaches Potions, but has fought for Quirrell's job for years. Really nasty man; you wouldn't like him."

Harry replied with the confident voice of a tele-evangelist, sparkling with optimism.

"Oh Percy my boy, you think wrong." Percy nearly choked on a rack.

"What?"

"You see Percy, he and I are gonna be best of buds, we'll brew potions together, swap gossip in the halls, perhaps even have a tea party. For seven wonderful years, we shall form the most prosperous student-teacher partnership in the world!"

Percy almost threw up.

At the teacher's table, many professors gorged themselves, Hagrid particularly vacuuming The Giant's Veggie Dish.

"Hagrid, could you pass the corn to Severus, he's flagging quite madly." asked McGonagall, enjoying her Cat's Tuna Deep Dish Pie.

"Oh, a'c'urse." replied Hagrid, trying to reach for the bowl of corn on the cobs. His arm brushed into Dumbledore, sending his hot soup into his white beard.

"Ah! My eyes!"

"S'rry Profess'r 'Umbledore!" Snape grew tired of Hagrid's clumsiness. He flicked his wand.

"Accio Corn!" Quirrel bent his head in front of Snape.

"Professor Sprout, I must say-"

"Quirrel! Look out!"

"Huh? AHHH!" **BOOM! **

The shear force of the corn sent Quirrel flying into Snape, both toppling behind the table. **CRASSSHHH! **Everybody winced. There was no movement. Suddenly Snape then Quirrel popped up from behind the table, smoothing their wrinkled robes as they smiled at everyone. Everybody blinked, the dinner resumed.

Harry met some other Gryffindors, one named Seamus who complained of his mom being a witch and his dad a muggle. Another complained why the good had to die young. Another complained why complaining had no relevance in life.

At the end of dinner, Dumbledore clapped his hands, and poof! Ron's gulosh had disappeared. He frowned and laid his head on the decadent plate. Dumbledore clapped again. When Ron awoke, his head was inside a large jello pudding; he screamed and ran around the table. Harry and others picked off generous morsels from his head, till all of it was gone.

Hermione was enjoying a carrot cake, as she regaled other students with her brilliance and good leadership.

"I'll be at top, Hermione, Head Girl of Hogwarts! Just think of it. With my brains, Gryffindor will win!"

"I heard that Quidditch games are going to be a blast!" Ron bellowed, trying to ignore Hermione.

"Oh, that barbaric sport. You can't seriously enjoy such rubbish. I heard the life expectancy of a chaser is 8 seconds, 3 and half with Slytherin playing."

Students started to scoot away from Hermione.

"I mean, _Wizard Sports Today _ranks Quidditch as the third reason for gangs and bankruptcy for those who place bets." Nobody was around Hermione, yet she kept on blabbering.

Tired and taut, the students went out to their dormitories, Harry, Ron, and Hermione following the Gryffindors. Percy led them to the main staircase. "Now be careful first years of the stairs, they like to change." Just as he said that, a man fell from above.

"AHHHHH!-oofph!" The students leaned over. "I'm okay!" he shouted. No one seemed to even listen.

"Follow me." beckoned Percy. A painting with a guy wearing a curly wig leaped like a frog from tapestry to tapestry. He motioned to a first year at his sleeve. "Rembrandt, ha! Whaddya think?" The kid had no idea what he was talking about and walked on. "Ignorant knave! Don't know your seventeenth-century artists!"

They climbed up the stairs; one painting showed a renaissance alchemist with apparatus messing with a bubbling concoction. He started to scream in delight "It's working! IT'S WORKING! **IT'S-**"**BOOOOOM! **The stairway roared as a huge explosion erupted from the painting, spewing gas and alchemical equipment into a lagging group of first years. "Sorry!" wheezed the barbecued alchemist.

They eventually made it to a portrait of a fat old hag wearing a large girdle, apparently to make her look constipated when she tried to smile rather than look skinny. "Password?" she grinned, a bit uneasy.

"Ex-Lax." confidently replied Percy.

"How rude! You may enter." The painting swung from the wall as the children crawled in.

The common room was a comfy lounge, with a roaring fire, and the house coat of arms, lying above the mantle. Somewhere on the bottom right of it was etched rather graffiti-like:

_**Take that McGonagall!**_

_**S.S.**_

Harry and Ron retired to the boy's dormitory with Dean and Seamus, as Hermione went to the Girl's to rest. Harry found all his school stuff and Hedwig nicely placed by his bed. They quickly snuggled in, dreaming what their first day of classes would be like. Harry could still hear Hermione blabber on well past midnight. A final **"HERMIONE, SHUT UP!"** silenced it.


	8. The Potions Master

Harry got up bright and early and headed to breakfast. The enchanted ceiling was placid and beautiful with white fluffy clouds. A cherub could be seen dropping dark brown droplets to the students. Ron took a handful and started munching away, as did others.

Harry was about to eat one that fell in his marmalade when the cherub cackled like a mischievous child. It sputtered a ridiculous rhyme that went like this:

"Welcome children to your first day!

With little Peeves here to play,

Don't you know I like to rhyme?

And make sure you don't get to class on time?

Now gobble all the droplets you hold,

Sooner or later they're gonna **EXPLODE!"**

**POP! PA-POP! TICKA-TICKA-POP!**_(Nice Beat!)_

Students screamed and ran as green smoke issued from their mouths. Ron ran to Harry crying. "They're not chocolates! They're dung bombs!"

After that stinky situation, Ron and Harry ran to their first class of the day, Transfiguration. Professor McGonagall stood erect as other students straggled in.

"Ahem… Welcome to Transfiguration, I Professor McGonagall, will be teaching it to you. Now let me get the roll." She recited out names as each raised their hands. "Neville Longbottom…Pansy Parkinson…" She then stopped, as if something made her choke. "Poopicus… Brownwipe." A nervous kid raised his small hand. "I see", she replied. "Harry Potter?" Harry raised his. McGonagall gave a smile and continued.

"Now, I see all of you wish to master the art of transfiguration. It is not an easy endeavor." She dragged a colossal pile of books to the desk. "It's a lot… of hard…uhhh… work! Whew." She swept her sweaty brow.

"Now, I don't mean to show off, but observe. In my hand I have a tin-can. I will change this into a toucan. Tin-can to toucan!"

Nobody laughed.

"Humph! Sense of humor has gone to the dogs, well. 1…2…3…" The tin-can became a toucan; everybody went "wooooooow." The bird took flight, sending a dropping on Ron's shiny red hair. The room roared with laughter. McGonagall quickly turned it back into a tin-can, landing on Poopicus' head. She ignored the spectacle and said "That was a nonverbal by the way.

"Now, I would like you to make groups of three. Since we must start from scratch, we are turning erasers into chewing gum." Harry, Ron, and Hermione got together much to Ron's chagrin.

Many students were frustrated at how hard it was; Seamus' eraser just melted, while Crabbe got his to dissolve into eraser shavings. "You musn't be too forceful Crabbe," muttered Professor McGonagall." Hermione already achieved a tye-dye gum-ball and was passing the time reading _The Bigots of Wizards_ while Harry and Ron were still stumped.

Thirty minutes later, McGonagall said "Wands down. It is time for your first test. Concentrate, don't be nervous." Harry suppressed a gulp as Ron looked like he was being sent to a firing squad. Neville was the first to go, achieving only a sluglike apparition of an eraser. "Poor" said McGonagall without pity. Crabbe's blew up before he even flicked his wand. " Cough…cough What do I have to do to make you use less force? Dreadful!"

Eventually it was Hermione's turn. With an effortless flick of her wand, the eraser molded into a tie-dye gumball. "Impressive!" McGonagall helped herself to the chewing gum. Her face exploded into absolute astonishment to the taste. Harry wished he could transfigure her into a fat cow with the same expression chewing cud. "Mrs. Granger! This is excellent! Outstanding!" Hermione went back to reading her book.

Harry could only turn his into a gooey wax. "Well, it looks like gum." McGonagall took it and put it in her mouth. A stone-faced expression ensued. She spat it back on Harry's desk. "Tastes like crap. Poor." By this time, Ron was shivering crazy.

"Mr. Weasley, you're up." Ron made a tremendous effort, his eyes vigilant, every nerve of him intent on showing that old wind bag he could do it. He flicked! The eraser flipped over. "Troll." muttered McGonagall.

Ron complained all the way to History of Magic. "That lady's mental! The grades should be based on effort."

"If only you'd spend more time reading than playing Virtual Quidditch Ron." snickered Hermione.

"Is that so? Hermy-ONE!" shouted Ron.

"How dare you! I'm gonna go cry!"

Harry just stayed quiet; he figured it was going to be like this for a long time.

If Transfiguration was the underwear of Hogwarts, History of Magic would be the jockstrap. The teacher, was the most dead (true to it), boring to the core, and was a true Pearsonite. He greeted the class with a wispy voice that would even make the Puritans fall in a coma. He trudged through the roll call, taking up half the class in doing it. He stopped at "Poopicus Brownwipe." looked kind of confused, and went on.

"Now." He said in a monotone voice. "I'm sure you all enjoy the facets of what made you who you are..." Ron was fast asleep, Harry was getting there. Hermione in the meantime was just completing her ten thousandth wizard crossword puzzle. "…In this class, usually there will be four lectures and a test. Take notes, study and you should do fine…" He seemed to get sleepy a bit himself. "… Also from time to time you'll have 30 minute lectures to be graded by me…"

All were visited by the sandman as Mr. Binns began his lecture on Uric the Oddball and his relevance to The Romanian Revolution. As a great cacophonous symphony of snores exploded, Hermione remained the only one awake.

Lunch was a huge relief as Ron stuffed himself silly. Harry also enjoyed a coffin cake. Hermione twiddled with her food as she read _Gurblocht's Gargantuan Groves._

Everyone was curious as to what a double potions class would be like. Harry most of all was interested in this potions master. They walked to the dungeons, were it was located, very dark, with green sconces illuminating the large classroom. The walls were grimy with potions spilt from countless generations before, as pillars supported its high ceiling.

The HRH gang(Harry, Ron, Hermione) sat huddled in a dark desk, their bat-like teacher still not present. As no teacher was there, students regaled each other with conversation.

"I got a D in Transfiguration!"

"Awful!"

"I wonder when this big-nosed-"

**BOOOOOM!**

Everybody screamed as the double-doors to the room exploded with green vapors bellowing forth. A batty-like figure clanked across the class to the lectern, his pale face gleaming and black greasy hair swaying melodramatically.

"_Cool," _thought Harry.

The black figure turned to the beseeched students. Silence resonated.

" Neville Longbottom…" He said in an impressive bass voice, breaking the silence.

"Here!" The professor didn't even look.

"Hermione Granger…"

The roll went on as usual, except for… well… you know. The professor leaned his head at what he saw on the roll sheet as his long hair dangled at the edges. He gave a wince that expressed 'huh?', and then went on.

After a few names, the dark figure glanced at the roll sheet with a flicker in his black eyes, a curl forming in his lip.

"_…_ our new _celebrity…"_

Harry raised his hand and said, "Here!"

"I know you're here _POTTER!" _Snape glided to Harry's desk. "Now… tell me what would happen if I combined Acidic Murthbeetle to an infusion of _Ca-ca-ditous Floride _and gave it five clockwise turns, and a counter clockwise turn every fifth." Hermione raised her hand.

"I don't know professor!" Harry beamed happily.

"Hmmm…Where would you go if I wanted you to find me a Vindictus Mushroom, which specifically had red dots, with smaller green dots inside of those?" Hermione reached higher.

"I still don't know!" Harry's smile remained intact.

"Hmmm…_pity_…._clearly… fame… isn't… everything_…" The bat like figure cowered over Harry in triumph. "What potion would I create, if I put newt eyes, salamander scales, and toad buttocks…" Neville looked appalled, "together?"

"I don't know professor, but **I LOVE YOU!**" Harry rose from his desk, arms branched for a hug. Snape stepped away, looking like he was about to have a heart attack.

After regaining his composure, he said "_Sit down Potter._" He seemed to lose his style as he stuttered his way down the rest of roll-sheet.

At the end, he said "Is that everyone?" A small hand waved frighteningly.

"Yes?"

"My name sir… y-y-y-you didn't s-s-say my name."

"YOU WONDER WHY I DIDN'T CALL YOUR NAME?" The boy deflated.

"BECAUSE YOUR NAME IS **POOPICUS BROWNWIPE**!"

He flicked his hair back, and strutted to the front of the class, a light shined on him as if he was performing to a vast gothic theatre. "I don't expect many of you to appreciate the subtle science of potion-making, yet for _those_…_select_…._few_." He stopped to look at Malfoy. "I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, and even put a **STOPPER**!" everyone in the class jumped, "…in death. I know you dunderheads won't appreciate the slowly rising fumes shimmering from a cauldron, or the bountiful curves of an Erlenmeyer Flask." Hermione sighed.

"**SILENCE!** Snape crashed his hands on Neville's desk. After that, Neville was the only one paler than Snape that period. "There will be no foolish wand waving, or silly incantations in _my _class. As a result," he gazed at Harry, "some of you may not think this is even real magic." Snape stopped for a second and stood perfectly erect. "BUT I assure you, this is magic to its highest degree! Its pinnacle of mysticism, and it's guaranteed, it's **BONAFIDE!**" Snape shook his fist and shouted with a southern drawl. "…to challenge fate itself."

Harry thought this class was gonna be awesome.

If History of Magic was the jockstrap of Hogwarts, then Potions class would be the protective cup. Snape put groups of two per cauldron to produce the Nasalesnot potion.

Ron and Harry were paired together, while that lucky suck-up Malfoy got Hermione.

"What's so important about this 'Nasal-e-snot potion?'" asked Ron.

"It's a simple remedy for the common nasal blockage one is disposed to suffer," replied Snape.

"So, what's the point? It's not like we got clogged bogies in our noses twenty-four seven?"

"Happens all the time to m-!Mr. Weasley! One more word out of you and anybody else, and I'll deduct house points!...uh… except Slytherin!"

Classmates were flustered at how the _'simple remedy'_ was proving more frustrating every minute. Neville and Seamus got mucus orange in their stew. It profusely bubbled, sending a squirt into Neville's eye. He howled with pain as Snape shouted "You idiot!" and smacked him on the back of the head with his reading material.

Goyle and Poopicus were left with a crap-brown sludge…_go figure._

Hermione and Draco achieved the shimmering turquoise, well…actually… Hermione did. Malfoy was too busy flirting with the girls, making them think he really knew what he was doing. Snape briskly uttered a 'return to your work' scowl, to make him stop daydreaming. Yet Dean was just asking another friend at another table how he achieved a purple rise. Snape gave him a hard smack on the head with a book.

"3 points from Gryffindor."

Harry and Ron couldn't get the ideal turquoise blend Hermione got. It looked more like a snot green. Snape glanced and remarked, "We're trying to get rid of the blockage not make more of it."

Ron snorted "Sh'up pig nose! I haven't even added the beetle legs yet."

Snape's arrogant face turned into a worrisome fright.

"**You're adding the beetle legs last? NOOOOOOOOO!**

Ron dropped the beetle legs, landing in the cauldron with a soft _ploop_.

**BOOOOM!**

After the explosion cleared, Harry and Ron were on opposite sides of the dungeon, with Snape landing on his desk, rear first. All were covered in flabby mucus snot. With a gooey slop, Snape was on his feet, standing on the desk, a strain of boogers _splat_ting into Neville.

"TONIGHT'S…HEH…HUH…ASSIGNMENT!" snorted Snape, exhaling and inhaling uncontrollably. "ONE HUNDRED FEET OF PARCHMENT ON WHY YOU ARE YOU ARE TAKING THIS CLASS!"

"But sir!" exclaimed Seamus. "We are required to take this class!"

"YOU MIGHT HAVE AN INCH THERE MR. FINNIGAN !"

Dinner was a reprieve from Snape; Ron was still bewildered by the homework.

"A HUNDRED FEET? DID YOU HEAR THAT BLOODY FOOL?"

Hermione was already done and reading _Witch Watcher's: The Chronicles._

"Let's see." thought Harry, busy thinking why he was taking Potions Class. "The…first… reason… why…I'm…taking…Potions…is that…I…love…Snape- no…Professor Severus Snape!" Harry felt like he was already getting off to a good start in impressing the Potions Master.

"Hey guys! Look at the Daily Prophet!" screamed Seamus. The HRH gang scrambled with others around Seamus. The top headline read:

_Gringotts Break-in Latest_

_Investigations continue into the break-in at Gringotts 31, July_

_The vault had been emptied the same day and nothing was stolen…_

Harry paid little attention to the headline, but instead read an interesting article on "How lice affect a man's life." Faces were full of fear. Could it be that that was the vault that Hagrid had opened the same day? Could it be that they brought it to Hogwarts, the only place safer than Gringotts? Could it be that lice could destroy a man's **life through the inside out? COULD IT BE? COULD IT BE?**


	9. The Midnight Duel

**A/N: Sorry 'bout the wait. Was on vacation ya know! So withoot furthur adooo!**

Harry poured through his essay during breakfast titled, _One Thousand and One Reasons Why I Am Taking Potions Class_. Harry felt really good about himself after he had finished it. Ron asked for help, but once he saw that the first reason was that Harry loved Professor Severus Snape, he decided to try to do it himself. He was ninety feet short at breakfast. "How does that old bat expect us to complete one hundred feet of parchment? All of these teachers are mental, every last one of them." Harry and Ron started to take some bacon as Hagrid snuck up behind them.

"How's yur furst day at Hogwarts been Harry?"

"Great…eh anyway this is Ron."

Ron waved as he chewed his bacon.

"What! You're eatin' bacon! I c'n't berlieve this!" shrieked Hagrid.

"Hagrid," Harry pleaded, "it's not what you think it is."

"Oh it shuur is. I seen it with me own two eyes." He gestured toward his eyes. "I can't berlieve this, yer little , sniff blasph'm'rs." Hagrid walked away and started to cry; the Great Hall started to flood.

"STOP CRYING HAGRID!" yelled Dumbledore. Hagrid flipped one more tear, and the Slytherin table split in half. Poopicus flew through the air screaming, breaking through a stain glass window of Salazar Slytherin. Everyone in the Hall laughed, but it came out as a gurgle, since they were underwater. Twenty suction charms later, the Hall was back to normal, and the students were left to eat their soggy bacon. Hermione pulled out her tear drenched schedule, and said that they had Charms with Ravenclaw this morning.

"Great," said Ron, "we get to learn how to clean our house today."

Professor Flitwick was a short little man, with balding silver hair. He stood on top of pile of books behind his desk and started to teach them a charm to freeze water.

"I can't wait to make some ice cubes when I get home," whispered Ron to Seamus.

Harry ended up being paired with Dean. Ron was telling jokes during their practice time, while Hermione was turning the water into ice and then back again, by tapping her wand, while reading, _Namoron Naboron (An Autobiography)_. Harry was giving it his best shot, and was able to turn parts of it into shavings of ice.

After ten minutes and thirty jokes from Ron later, Professor Flitwick decided to give them a quiz on the spell saying, 'this was so simple it wasn't even in _The Standard Book of Spells (Grade 1).'_

"Yeah what's it in, grade five?" Ron joked. Almost every Ravenclaw got an 'Excellent', and only one failed with a poor. Neville got an 'Average', when his was solid completely, but only a few degrees colder. Hermione's froze perfectly and was at zero degrees Kelvin.

"Outstanding, Mrs. Granger!" squeaked Flitwick. Hermione flipped to the last page of _Namoron Naboron (An Autobiography)_. Harry put all he could muster into this spell. His eyes lit with hope as it froze.

It was almost frozen…kind of like jello. "Well it's cold. Average." Harry had passed! Seamus' exploded, and he was given a troll, "You're not supposed to heat it up," said Flitwick bitterly.

He went to get a drink of water right as Ron fired his spell. Sadly for Ron, (and Flitwick) he missed and it hit Flitwick's cup, freezing it to his tongue that pulled him face forward into his desk. "Puor," said Flitwick trying to get his tongue off the ice. Ron was so excited at the change of fortune that had smiled upon him.

"Did ya hear that!" yelled Ron, "I GOT A POOR!"

The Ravenclaws looked at him strangely.

After they had finished Charms they left for Defense Against the Dark Arts.

"We have it with Slytherin again! Did ya hear that; how many classes do we have with them?" Ron asked.

They all pondered that, as they stepped into the classroom, greeted by the strong smell of garlic. All were excited about what Professor Quirrell would teach them since it seemed the most exciting class. The professor stepped up to the front of the class, and stood there for a second, as if stuttering in his mind.

"I…I am P-p-prof-fes-s-s-ss-or Quir-Quirrell. I will b-be t-tea-teaching you D-D-D-De-Defense Against-st the…uuh…D-D-Dark-k-k Arts." He looked like he was about to say something, before stepping over to look at the roll sheet again. He went down the roll sheet. "L-Lavender, Brown…"

"Here!"

Quirrell looked back down at the roll sheet, and started to stutter, "P-P-Poo-P-P-Poopuh-P-P-poop-p-poop-p-poop-puh-cus…Brownwipe." He smiled; a roar of laughter engulfed the classroom.

Poopicus raised his shy hand in embarrassment.

"Q-Quiet down-n-n ch-ch-ildren!" struggled Quirrell. Silence ensued, with a few stray giggles.

"Charming n-n-name. heh heh,…ehheh!", Quirrell tried to lighten the mood, but to no effect.

"S-so!" He tried to look tough. "You are all-l-l-l-l w-wanting-ing t-t-t-to see the fright-t-t-ening side of m-m-magic?"

Everyone shook their head in excitement.

"Goood-d-d-d-d!" He replied, sending a spit shower into Neville's face. He ignored it and went on. "It-t-t is my d-d-duty, to train you in the d-d-efense against p-p-powerful f-forces t-that would try to… H-H-H-ARM YOU!" He lunged at Harry, his purple robe swooping down dramatically.

Harry just sat there, Quirrell looking foolish as he tried to let loose a hideous expression.

"V-v-very good P-p-potter! You s-s-see cl-cl-cl-asssss-ho!" The class again roared with laughter. Quirrell seemed on the verge to un-wrap like a turban until there was just a pile of cloth on the floor. Harry actually thought he could see a tear streak across his face. Hopefully, Quirrell could get himself back together to save what an awful start he made.

Professor Quirrell's class was a joke. For the first half, he had students talk about their summer. "M-m-m-m-alfoy! You're up!" politely requested Quirrell.

Malfoy stood proudly and beamed at the class. "Last summer my father and I killed mudbloods. It was fun."

Quirrell seemed to skip a heart beat, as the rest of the class gasped.

Heaving like a girl just fainted, Quirrell squeaked "Sit down Draco."

Ron whispered, "I wonder if his dad's a death eater?"

"Hermione, i-i-if you p-p-please."

Hermione sat straight and spoke with an esoteric note. "I spent my summer reading all 100 volumes of _The Modern Day Wizard _and _The Copious Cauldron_. I also won first place in _Magic Girl of the Year_, _Hogwart's Promising Pupils_, and…spent the rest of the break knitting phat hats."

Quirrell seemed to be oblivious to all of the prodigy stuff, but exclaimed. "E-x-x-x-xcellent! It's goo-oo-oo-d to see a child hav-h-hav-ing a t-t-talent for kn-kn-knitting that they l-l-l-ove! Heh-eh!"

Next was Neville, apparently spending his summer caring for toads, Quirrell was fascinated and spluttered toad-jargon with Neville for 15 minutes of the class, not noticing everyone else fast asleep. Lavender Brown talked seeing The Cauldron Sisters on tour, and Poopicus with troubling bowel movements. Harry in the meantime was finishing his essay on Potions, making sure everything was right and proper.

"H-h-h-h-arry P-p-otter! If you will s-share with the cl-class your b-break… eh." Everyone became tense and stared at Harry.

Harry lazily looked at Quirrell.

"I did nothing."

Quirrel's expectant gaze shattered. "C-come dear boy, y-y-you had to have d-done… s-s-s-omething?"

"I told a snake to bite my cousin!" Harry smiled. Everyone laughed. Quirrell eyed him strangely.

After that boring affair, Quirrell finally seemed to be getting somewhere. "Now, since th-th-this is our f-first day together, I-I-I shall recall m-m-y s-s-ummer." Everybody moaned with disappointment. "Ahem… I am qu-qu-qu-ite fond of hiking. Beh-beh-b-b-being one with nature is thrilling!" His eyes grew watery.

"I b-b-believe it was several-luh-luh months ago that I be-be-be-began my trip admiring the jungles of Alga-alga-alga-algeria." He seemed to get in a funky rap with that last word.

"I happenstance came across a sp-sp-sp-specimen of caldi-flower. V-very extraordinary, I even took my p-p-painting easel along to capture its gr-gr-gr-graceful, curved petals th-that resembled rays from the s-s-sun. And the most peculiar gazelle I came upon s-s-seemed to have a troubling time excreting-ing-ing-ing. He-he… I th-th-think P-p-poopa-poo-"

"ALLL RIGHT! I HAVE HAD IT!" screamed Poopicus Brownwipe, his small body erect on the desk, heaving and puffing away at the wimpy Professor Quirrell, who had just tripped and was panting on the floor, like a scared little dog. "I am fed up with all this 'oooh! Poopicus Brownwipe! That's such a funny name, strange it reminds me of feces. Oh! Let's poke fun at him and see if he has an accident!'"

Quirrell whimpered like a baby.

"Sheesh. Quirrell was a load a' dung! He smelled like it too! Did you smell what's under his turban? At least his class is the easiest. He gave us all outstandings on our summer summaries. Can't complain about that." sputtered Ron as they marched to lunch.

"That was Garlic Ron. Perhaps you need to sample what you smell. It could be your upper lip." cackled Hermione.

"Oi! At least I don't skin books with those buckteeth of yours!"

"Waaaa! I need my alone-time!"

Harry once again knew this was going to be a long year.

Lunch was fun; Ron had a whole kidney pie as Hermione read _The Wonders of Warlocks._

Harry almost choked as Hagrid patted him on the back. "So Harry! Classes fun I s'pose?"

"Yep. Sure are Hagrid." Harry lied.

Hagrid soon bent down so no one could hear what he was just about to say.

"I h'erd yer head'n off ta H'rbuh-lu-gy."

"Herbology?"

"Ye'h. List'n Harry, Pr'fess'r Sprut is a sprout of a woman."

"You mean 'Sprout'?"

"She ain't a good p'rson. She's as barb'ric as they come."

"What?"

"Don't loaf with her, she ets an'mals. Luvs her darling plants but ets AN'MALS!"

The whole hall stared at Harry and Hagrid. Hagrid soon resumed.

"We've been sworn en'mies since befer ya were bern. I eat plants, n' she hates that. She eats meat, n' I hates that."

"Sounds like a nasty 'I hate-you hate' inferiority-complex." Hagrid couldn't compute the psychologist stuff, but could filter out 'sounds' 'nasty'."

"Don't berfriend her."

The HRH Gang soon headed out to Herbology, the grounds were stunningly green and beautiful. Ron got a dive bombing-bird dropper hex( a _db-bd_ for short) from a third year Slytherin along the way as Hermione finished _Knights of the Napkin Charm_. Harry sorta did nothing the whole way.

The greenhouse was a jungle of a classroom, and Professor Sprout was the lion who ruled it. Bulgy eyes and eyeliner, with spidery gray matted hair, and a stout body shaped like a tomato, she wasn't very imposing. Harry could only imagine having Slytherin with them; what mayhem Sprout would give to Poopicus, '_You'd make good fertilizer! HAHA!_'

Professor Sprout did the roll call as usual, then blabbered about the wonders of flora and its many uses and how it's connected to Potions for its uses in alchemy. All they did was skin potatoes for Snape's 5th year potions class. The reason was something to do with potatoes can act like a powerhouse or battery when inserted with a wire conducting current in a jar of water. Of course, that's all _muggle_ superstition.

Potions was simple, unknowingly the only time that it would be. Snape strode in with a displeased look on his face.

"Your essays are due."

With a flick of his wand, Snape summoned the entanglement of parchment from the students. It grew to a massive yarn-ball, unfortunately rolling over Neville. Snape didn't seem to notice, until the muffled screams of Longbottom echoed hauntingly through the dark dungeon. Snape shouted "_Perficus ordericus_!" The coagulation of parchment poofed into a filing cabinet, worthy to make any accountant envious.

Neville was still ventilating as Snape glided to the lectern. For 30 seconds he said nothing. Everyone blinked, and a stray cough echoed. Neville cautiously looked at the tall black figure. "Sir… sir! Yoohooo. Pro-"

"Today you shall engage in the primitive sport of flying brooms with Madame Hooche.

The bar of expectations I see is lowered one miserable notch after another." He glared at Hermione. "Yet… _some of you_…" Snape glanced at Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle who were shaking a jar of Snape's that had a shrunken head bobbling in it. They quickly put it back.

"…care only for the stimulation of the mind that this potions class offers." They smiled innocently. Snape reared his head back to the center of the class. "Your essays shall be graded and handed back to you tomorrow. Off you go."

Everybody took off in joy. For once the dungeon seemed to illuminate with effervescent wonder. Little did Snape know, as he motioned over to a locked desk, that Harry was right behind him.

"Profes-"

"Ahhh!" Snape shrieked, fearing he was finally caught red-handed. He soon realized it was the tiny Potter boy tilting his neck with his dorky glasses at him. He loomed over Harry like a giant curtain.

"What I wanted to tell you was…uh… I worked very hard on this essay… and I think you will enjoy it." Snape just stood there, as Harry pranced down the dungeon, as he whistled. "The Merry Marigolds", echoing through the dark pillars.

"Potter!" Harry stopped, in mid-whistle.

"I have your essay graded." Snape muttered with a curl in his lips. Harry marched up the steps, grabbing the parchment from the potions master; his cold hands letting go. Harry looked at the essay with a grin.

It soon fell like a freshly snapped fingernail to the bowels of the dungeon. Clearly, Snape only glanced at the first line, before he made up his mind. Harry's face filled with tears as a vandalistic 'T' smeared in red at the left corner of his parchment insulted his 8 hours of devoted endeavor to impress Snape. Harry slowly tilted his head back to Snape's. What was written on it was a hateful, disdainful, virulent, disparaging, monstrous, contorted, angular, abominable, horrific, demonic...(inhale)…terrifying, grossly expression that even gave Snape goosebumps. Harry quietly whispered. "_This means war_!"

Snape merely smiled. Harry trudged down the dungeon through the double-doors constantly repeating in his head. "I hate Snape, I hate Snape, I hate Snape…"

Harry quickly ran to the courtyard and saw a whole bunch of kids lined up with brooms and the spiky-haired Madame Hooche ushering them. He quickly filled a vacant spot and heard something like 'Broom', 'Up' 'on three', and 'One…Two…Three…"

Harry felt a surge in his hand. The broom magically entered his grip. "Cool!" he muttered, apparently not having any idea what he just did. All the other students were having trouble, saying "Up!" as if regulating air traffic. Harry just laughed. Draco was the next to get his up. He sneered at Harry.

"You're holding your broom backwards!" shouted Hooche. Malfoy quickly fixed his error, later not wanting to see Harry's smirk.

Hermione for once wasn't the first, not even the twenty third to get her broom. Ron was having better luck with it whacking him in the face repeatedly. Harry snickered insanely; he was better! But he still burned with rage at the potions master who had wronged him so. _Someday,_ Harry thought, as Madam Hooche began to talk about how to get off the ground or something, but Harry wasn't really listening; he was staring at a shadowy figure, who was gazing out a third floor window.

**MEANWHILE**

Snape stared out at the flying lesson that was going on below and whipped out his wand. _Time for some fun,_ he thought mischievously, smiling like a schoolboy. Snape spun his roulette of annoying first years. It went past Potter, _Dang it_, Red-Head, and Beaver-Girl, before landing on, Bottom-Boy.

"Very well," Snape chuckled furiously after making sure no one was around.

"_Wingardium Leviosa!_" He flicked his wand, and Neville floated into the air. Snape began to move him around this way and that, crashing him into all different parts of the castle. Unfortunately for Neville he crashed directly into a statue of, '_Edric Egelebald, Famous alumni of Hogwarts'_ during his flight, causing him to fall down, and apparently be severely injured.

"Pity," Snape sneered. Hooche yelled something about none of them being allowed to fly on their broomsticks. Snape was about to leave when he noticed, that Lucius' kid was talking to everyone about something. Then that good-for-nothing, Potter kid started to talk to him about something. Lucius' brat mounted, his broom, strangely backwards, and flew into the air.

Somehow, Snape was completely oblivious to this. Then the potter kid jumped onto his broom, and Snape jumped giddily, _He's going to be expelled! Finally all the hard work has paid off!_ Snape ran off down the hall, skipping, and singing 'Rock Like a Goth', and occasionally pausing for an air guitar solo, all the way down the corridor.

**MEANWHILE**

Harry saw the Remembrall fall into his outstretched palm; it turned red as he grasped it, and Harry remembered that he had forgotten to put on his underwear this morning. _Oh well._

He looked up to see that a window was coming toward him, and worse, McGonagall was looking at him from inside. Harry didn't have any time to change direction, and busted through the window, straight into McGonagall. She let out a yelp of displeasure as she was forced to the ground.

"Finally!" she yelled, her eyes burning with the fires of the place directly below Harry's feet. "Finally a chance! Finally!"

_She must really like expelling people, _thought Harry_._

"Never in all of my years of teaching have I seen such…such…" she seemed to be at a loss for words, after Harry had committed such an atrocity. She knocked on the door of a room that Harry knew to be Professor Quirrell's room. A girly scream that shattered glass all around them came from the room, before Quirrell opened the door, a leech hanging on the end of his nose.

"Yes M-M-Minerva?" he asked.

"May I borrow Wood please?" she asked starring at the leach on Quirrell's nose.

"W-W-Wuh-Why of c-c-course." A tall dark haired kid jumped up from his desk and rushed out of the classroom. Quirrell shut the door and the shriek resumed. McGonagall led them into a secluded room that was safe from Quirrell's howl.

"Oliver," she smiled, "I've found you a seeker!" She looked ecstatic, and was jumping up and down merrily.

"Really?" Oliver half-asked half-exclaimed to the world.

"Yes and he is good! He flew better than old Charlie Weasely. We're finally going to win the Quidditch Cup this year, and then Snape will half to shave off the top of his head!"

Harry always wondered why McGonagall, had been wearing that old witches hat.

Harry started to break dance on the Gryffindor table during dinner, after he had told everyone how he had been selected to the House Team. The whole table started to dance, except for Hermione, who had her nose burrowed into, _Break Dance Tips from Wandle Warlock_. Draco walked up to the Gryffindor table and sneered triumphantly at Harry.

"Seems like you're celebrating your last day at Hogwarts, eh Potter?" Malfoy remained motionless as Crabbe and Goyle started to laugh like a bunch of idiots who had just realized that was supposed to be a joke.

"Actually," Harry started to disco, "I've been selected to the Gryffindor Quidditch Team."

Draco turned red, and Harry swore he heard a sound like the ripping of underwear.

"Gryffindor must be lowering their standards then." Crabbe and Goyle started to eat some muffins, before Draco kicked both of them and they remembered they were supposed to laugh. "How about a Wizard's Duel, say tonight at midnight, in the trophy room."

Harry didn't know what a Wizarding Duel was, but it was in capital letters so it had to be important. "You're on!" He said triumphantly. Hermione gasped and slammed her book shut.

"You can't do this! You're going to make us lose the House Cup." Hermione stood up, and stared Harry in the eyes.

"See you tonight…" he paused, "Potter." He spit out, as if it hurt him to say it.

"This is going to be awesome!" yelled Ron.

"But I don't know any spells." Harry felt his stomach being sucked out.

"You should have thought of that before you accepted!" Hermione barged off, presumably to the library.

"Mental." Ron muttered, as he and Harry started to talk about their strategies for the duel. Once they had left the Great Hall, Harry and Ron went up to their dormitories. "So have you got any like jinks books or anything?" Ron asked, as he started to play Virtual Quidditch. Harry looked through his belongings and pulled out_ Curses and Countercurses (Bewitch Your Friends and Befuddle Your Enemies with the Latest Revenges: Lip-shutting, Inflation, Crack Removal, and much, much, more.) by Professor Iplaya Prankonue_.

"This looks good," said Harry as he opened the book.

Ron ran over to look at the book and then asked, "Does it have the tickling charm in it?"

"I don't know…why?"

"Fred and George used to use that on me all the time…and I would love to see Malfoy squeal from it."

"You squealed?" asked Harry.

"Just look for it!" yelled Ron. Harry looked for it through the book, before finding a page that was labeled: **THE TICKLING CHARM**.

Ron and Harry must have practiced for hours, because, it was suddenly eleven thirty. Harry had said _Rictusempra_ so much, that he would kill anyone whose name started with 'Ri'(luckily for Ron.).

"Well, we should be going now." Ron said, clearing out of the room.

When they got to the Common Room, they saw that Hermione had stayed up the whole night reading, _Larry Stotter and the Horse's Bone_. Once she saw them walk in she jumped up and yelled, "YOU AREN"T GOING OUT THERE TONIGHT!" Harry was sure that she had awoken the whole castle, but he made a run to get out of the room.

Harry dived through the exit, but it seemed that Ron was not as lucky, and had been on the wrong side of a Blubber Hex. He now filled up the entire gateway from the Fat Lady, and Harry had to pull him out with every ounce of energy in his body. Hermione pointed her wand out at Harry and said, "In! Or you and Ron will be so fat you won't fit into Saint Mungo's." Harry started to go back into the Common Room, but realized that the Fat Lady had left.

"Maybe she went to get something to eat? Has to maintain her figure." Harry suggested.

So Hermione decided to follow them, because she didn't have anything else to do, and because she wasn't allowed to use magic on Harry in the corridors. They rolled Ron's blubbery body down the stairs to the trophy room. Harry tried his hardest not to sneeze since the room was covered with mountains upon mountains of cobwebs and dust. Trophies sat rusting in old hutches, many having lost their glimmer since who knows when. They waited for five minutes in the dark room, before they heard something creep.

It had to be Malfoy.

"Get 'um Hurry!" Ron yelled, his blubber jiggling from his face.

"_Rictusempra_!" The charm zoomed toward the shadowed figure and hit him straight in the chest. Harry noticed that he was going to be in big trouble after this. Harry had accidentally jinxed Filch the Caretaker!

Harry and Hermione started to roll Ron away as Filch's laugh echoed throughout the room,

"Hehehawahaw…get them…heheeehawww…Mrs. Norris…hawhaw…eh-hem…NOW!" The cat started to chase them through the corridors of the school, before Harry turned around, and hexed the cat too.

It started rolling uncontrollably on the ground, and purring strangely. "purrmeowmeowpurrmeowmeow!" Mrs. Norris looked like she was having an epileptic seizure.

Harry and Hermione ran into a locked door, and Hermione cast some Hawaiian spell to open the door. Harry and Hermione rolled Ron in, only to see a damp room stinking of wet dog. They saw a huge lump breathing strangely in the center of the cramped room. Ron whimpered "Whas tha' nohizzz?" clearly having trouble speaking because of his blubbery face.

It rose and a trio of massive dog heads stared at the HRH gang. Their yellow beady eyes glowed in the dark, scaring the bejesus out of Ron. By the look of it, the three-headed dog that had just recently been shampooed. They screamed like girls (Hermione screaming like a man.) and rolled Ron out as fast as they could. The dogs meanwhile were delighting in Ron, mistaking him for a delicious pork rind.

They rolled him all the way to the Fat Lady, and Hermione remembered that she had forgotten the de-blubberization charm, and they all went back into the Common Room.

"Man! That was bloody scary." The HRH gang set down in the Common Room.

"You didn't seem to notice what was underneath it, did you?"

"I couldn't even see my feet Hermione!" Ron answered.

Harry was sitting in his chair and thinking of all the pies that started with a 'B'.

"But it still was protecting something," shouted Harry, distracted from his pondering of the universe. _Maybe that thing Hagrid took from vault seven hundred and thirteen might_ _be what the dog was guarding_. Harry figured he should share this with Hermy and Ron, but concluded… _Nah… it couldn't be…_ Hermione finally concluded like the genius she was that, "Whatever that thing was guarding, it must be important."

"Righto," affirmed Ron. Harry in the meantime was preoccupied with the Newton's Cradle on the sofa.


	10. Halloween

The HR-H gang, (Hermione refused to talk with them after they had broken over a dozen school rules, and Ron had decided that was a good thing) sat down for breakfast, and Harry could only imagine how shocked Malfoy was that they weren't on the train home. Ron started on a muffin, as Dumbledore got up from his seat and made an announcement.

"Mr. Filch would like to remind you, that no one is allowed in the trophy room, or is allowed in the corridors after curfew, and there shouldn't be any magic used in the corridors. That is all, thank you." Harry and Ron laughed, as Filch limped up to his seat, holding his ribs in discomfort.

They all resumed eating, as the owls began to flood through the top of the Great Hall. Ron put his hands over his plate, so he wouldn't accidentally eat any owl pellets. Harry didn't pay much attention to the owls, since he hardly ever got any mail, but looked up just in time to see a large package smack him in the head. After he had recovered from that incident to see there was a letter on it.

_DO NOT OPEN THIS UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES POTTER!_

_It contains your new Nimbus Two Thousand, but we can't let Snape figure out that you're on the team. Now go open it some-_

Harry didn't read the rest of the letter; he just ripped all the wrapping paper off of it and started to parade around the table. He ran out of the Great Hall screaming at the top of his lungs with Ron following close behind. All of the teachers at the head table looked taken aback, but Dumbledore just continued to devour his treacle tart. Harry was still screaming happily when Draco stepped up to them.

"First years aren't allowed broomsticks Potter! You're going to be expelled!" He smiled smugly.

"Could everyone stop trying to expel me?" Harry said laughing, "I mean you aren't getting any where by the looks of it."

McGonagall walked out of the Great Hall, as Draco began to yell, "He has a broomstick! Potter's got a broomstick!" Harry was again reminded of Dudley.

"I know!" said McGonagall, looking around to make sure no one else was there, before transfiguring Draco into a bowl of fruit. "I told you not to open that Potter!" Harry was still dancing. "Anyway Potter, you have training with Oliver Wood today at seven. So be there or I'll expel you!" She walked away, apparently forgetting that she had turned Malfoy into a bowl of fruit. Hagrid tumbled over and saw the peculiar dish.

"Di'n't know we had one 'er these hur." Hagrid said as he bit into a fruit. He threw it to the ground saying, "Piiiiew!Now 'at's a bad apple!"

So that day at seven Harry went to the Quidditch stadium to practice with Wood. Once he got inside he mounted his broom and began to fly around while Oliver wasn't there. After he had performed a corkscrew loop, he heard a voice from below, "COME DOWN HERE POTT'R YA IDIOT!" Harry flew down to Oliver and hopped off of his broom.

"Atchur service," said Harry as he saluted Oliver.

"Anyway Pott'r I'm here to tell you how to play the spert of Quidditch. It's really easy if you've been…well, playing since you were a kid."

_That makes me feel better,_ thought Harry.

"Well, there's four balls." He brought out a large case, with the Hogwarts Seal emblazoned on the front. He pulled out a large red one and explained that it was a quabble or something and that it scored some amount of points or something. He then showed him a Bludger and handed him a big club to hit it with. When it came around Harry winged it right into Oliver's nose. Oliver was able to explain that he was supposed to catch this little golden ball, before he went to the hospital wing because of his nose.

_Catching a little golden ball_, thought Harry,_ how hard can it be._

So Harry practiced and practiced, and failed Potions, and suddenly, he had already been at Hogwarts for two months.

Some of the lessons were getting more interesting too. Particularly charms where they were beginning to make objects fly. Harry was paired with Seamus, and Ron was, much to his and her dismay, partnered with Hermione.

"Remember," said Professor Flitwick, as they started their test on the Levitation Charm, "the proper dialect is very important in spells. Remember Barmon Buffoonawa who said 's' instead of 'f' and discovered he was missing his gall bladder."  
Ron was having a particularly hard time, and decided to go to his last resort. "Hermione it's not working!"

"Of course it isn't!" she said snobbishly. "It Weeen-guuuur-dieee-oooom Lehhh-vi-oooooooooooo-suh."

"Well why don't you try it yourself then."

Hermione swished and flicked, "Weeen-guuuur-dieee-oooom Lehhh-vi-oooooooooooo-suh!" The feather in front of her lifted into the air, perfectly, and Harry swore he could hear a chorus of angels singing.

"Outstanding! Mrs. Granger,that was Outstanding!" He scribbled down an 'O' for her grade, and turned to Ron, "Mr. Wealsey."

"WUURN-GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRR-DEEEEERUMMMMMM -VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!" Ron flicked and swished and nothing happened.

"See nothing-"

"Ron!" Hermione yelled. Ron moved his wand to the left and accidentally threw Flitwick out the window.

"… CRASH! "Everyone leaned out the window of the turret overlooking the gorge.

"Ouch!" they said in unison.

"Thanks a lot Hermy-ONE!" yelled Ron.

Harry noticed Hermione had left the room.

After Charms, they headed for dinner in the Great Hall, which was decorated to the teeth for Halloween. Above them were jack-o-lanterns that illuminated their paths to the tables, where the entire school sat down to begin the Halloween Feast. Harry sat down and surveyed the table for Hermione, but there was no sign of her.

"Don't worry about her mate. She's probably crying in some bathroom somewhere." It didn't take long for the gossip to come around, and Harry discovered, that yes indeed she was crying in some bathroom somewhere. So Harry decided that a Pumpkin Pasty was good and then started to chew apart a Batty Brownie.

He grabbed another PP as the doors to the Hall burst open, and Quirrell, who had mysteriously been missing, ran to the middle of the Hall and yelled, "Troll! In the dungeon! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!" Everyone was stupefied, Quirrell in the mean time, looked really stupid in the center of the Great Hall with everyone focusing their attention on him.

"Thought you want to know." He then collapsed to the floor and a few pieces of garlic spilled out of his turban. All of the students began to run around screaming. Dumbledore seemed to be enjoying Magical Marmalade Mutton. McGonagall nudged him in the ribs and he stood up to tell the students how they should follow the Prefects back to their Common Rooms, but Harry was more worried about Hermione.

_What if we could get her out of there,_ thought Harry, _she would do my homework for the rest of the year. _So Harry convinced Ron to come along and they sat off to warn Hermione about the impending danger. They snuck out of the Hall, and none of the Prefects noticed that they were escaping as they tried to control the mob. Harry and Ron decided to go to the bathroom nearest the Charms classroom. Once they got there they saw that the troll was already walking inside. "We've done all we can do mate," said Ron as he turned around.

"We have to save her Ron. It wouldn't be very Harry Potterish of me to just let her get attacked by a troll." Harry, with Ron far behind, ran into the bathroom. There was the giant troll, staring down at Hermione. The troll had green skin and a large nose that looked like it could produce a large snore.

Hermione dived under a sink as the troll attempted to hit her where she had once been. The troll snorted loudly, as Harry picked up a rubber duck and threw it at him. The troll didn't even feel it, but the squeak of the duck made him turn around, and murder it with his club.

Harry tried to be a hero and punch the troll, but it ended up picking him up and ripping off his pants. _Good thing I wore underwear today_, thought Harry.

"Do something!" yelled Hermione, who in some bizarre set of circumstances only an award winning writer could have imagined, had lost her wand.

"What?" said Ron, like the total idiot he was.

"Use the Levitation Charm on his club!" said Harry.

"Brilliant!" like an idiot on a commercial. "WUURN-GUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURRR-DEEEEERUMMMMMM -VEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE-OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH!" Somehow Harry had not already been clubbed. "Nothing's happening!"

"Ron!" Hermione yelled as Ron waved his wand like an idiot. The sink pulled off the wall and flew directly into the troll's head. With a retarded grunt, the troll fell unconscious, shaking the very foundations of Hogwarts. Ron stood there agape, and then shouted, "I'm awesome!"

"No you're not! You're all blundering idiots!" Ron turned around to see that McGonagall and Quirrell had entered the room. "I can't believe this!" McGonagall yelled again as if the world depended on this.

"It was my fault Professor." Hermione was now standing up. As she continued Snape limped into the room, "I thought I could stop the troll myself…and they saved me." Harry wasn't really paying attention to what she was saying, but he was nodding his head up and down.

"Five points from Gryffindor for such foolishness!"

Snape sneered at Harry.

"And five points to each of you…for being doofuses!"

Harry smiled at Snape who looked utterly disgusted.

So from that day on, Hermione, Harry, and Ron were inseparable…well most of the time.

Oh and if you're wondering if there was any plot development in this chapter there probably wasn't.


	11. Quidditch

It was turning to November, and Hogwarts, was now life-size snow globe. The mountains were now snow-capped, and the Quidditch field was being defrosted every day (despite the fact that they really didn't spend any time on it anyway). But for Harry, this was the best time of the year. Ever since the troll battle, Hermione had become more relaxed about breaking the rules, and had even helped Harry and Ron to try to plant a dungbomb in Snape's office.

As they were nearing his office, Snape found them, and they huddled around the dungbomb suspiciously. "What is that behind you Potter!" yelled Snape, who would never miss a chance to take points off of Gryffindor. Hermione said some incantation, and the dungbomb disappeared.

Harry stepped away from Hermione and Ron as he said, "See Professor. Nothing."

It looked like Snape was at a loss for words, but quickly regained his composure saying, "Your shoes are untied Potter. Five points…from Gryffindor."

"Professor they're not untied!"

"Ten extra points for denying a teacher!" He walked down the hall and said to some first year Hufflepuff, "Your shoes are untied." The Hufflepuff looked down and Snape said, "Five points from Hufflepuff for being so gullible!" He then huffed down the hall ferociously; Harry could tell he was a bit more tense than normal.

"How does it feel Harry? First Quidditch match and you're just a first year!" Ron bellowed merrily as they decided to go to breakfast.

"Gulp… uh… I don't know," replied Harry nervously.

"I think you will probably end up with no fewer than two weeks in the infirmary," skeptically gleamed Hermione.

"Every Quidditch player knows it's a rough sport," Hermione continued, "Just think of Ludwig Lichtenheart, chaser of the Swiss-Ticking Carronades. A rival gave him a nasty broom hex that sent him to the moon! Sadly he burned up on re-entry. There was also-"

"Alright Hermione I get it!" shouted Harry.

Breakfast was very boisterous that day, especially for Slytherin and Gryffindor. Flags and confetti of the rival houses cheered on their teams (literally, this is Hogwarts after all). The ceiling was enchanted with a giant noble lion combating a sleek serpent with a green tint. Apparently, McGonagall and Snape had cast them and were eying each other competitively, as the ruckus above shook the Great Hall. The serpent immediately hissed at Harry as they came to their table, a thunderous roar ensued from the Gryffindors. The lion meantime took advantage of the moment by sending a fist into the snake's face.

Everyone ate to their full, talking about the exciting match that awaited them but more so the fact that they get to miss their last two classes of the day. Harry was relieved it was Potions and Herbology, but winced that he still had to trudge through Defense against the Dark Arts and Binns' sleeper course on History of Magic.

Off they went to Defense Against the Dark Arts, curiously finding Quirrell outside the classroom bickering with the taller bat-like Snape.

"Quirrell, my patience is receding." droned Snape. _So is your hairline_, thought Harry but he didn't want to give his position away.

"B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-But…" Quirrell's vicious tongue stuttering sent volley after volley of saliva into Snape's face. Quirrell looked embarrassed, as the spit shine drooped from the goth's face and landed on the stone floor with an unpleasant splat. Snape calmly took a handkerchief and wiped his stone-face. He seemed ready to strangle Quirrell in his own furtive way, but Dumbledore was prancing along, admiring the school as the HRH gang watched in bewilderment. Dumbledore froze, and exclaimed "Professor Snape! Stop **quarreling** with Professor **Quirrell**… I made a funny!"

"G-Good one Headmaster!" laughed Quirrell; Snape rolled his eyes in the meantime. He stopped suddenly, realizing that Scarface, Freckle-boy and Smartygirl were staring at him. His lips puckered, ready to further more take house points, but they were already in Quirrell's classroom before he could utter a single syllable.

Professor Quirrell stepped up to the front of the class and said, "Wuh-we are going t-t-t-to learn a spell tuh-today." The whole class jumped into the air excitedly! They hadn't learned a spell for three months!

"S-s-s-so open you b-b-book-ksssss to p-p-p-page t-t-two." Hermione had already turned there and had her hand raised. Quirrell pointed toward her.

"Uh…sir, this spell only stops –er- plants, from moving."

"Yuh-yes Mrs. Granger-ger-ger-ger-ger. I find it-t-t-t hard to draw certain puh-puh-plants when ever they move clo-clo-closer t-t-t-o the Sun that they chuh-chuh-cherish so dearly." Everyone knew this was going to be a long year. After Hermione had jinxed the plant to stop moving, Quirrell decided that they should draw the plant, for the rest of the period.

After that affair, where Harry had been given a 'dreadful', for his, "Wuh-wuh-wuh-weak inter-ter-ter-pretation of the puh-puh-pedals' soo-soo-sooo-soooo-thing beauty", Harry didn't even want to see what Ron had been given. Harry avoided him, because Ron usually took it out on him, all the way to History of Magic class.

_Ah, some good sleep time, _thought Harry. "Hello class…" said Professor Binns, "today we will have everyone present their self-lectures to the rest of the class."

_Oh no,_ thought Harry, _I forgot!_

"So…Lavender Brown, would you please present your lecture to the class?" Lavender Brown stepped up to the front of the class, carrying a small scrap of parchment.

"Ahem." Professor Binns fell asleep on his desk.

"The reason why the Goblin Parliament of 1648 was important is because it gave Goblins rights, and now one of them is in the Cauldron Sisters!" Most of the girls shouted happily as Professor Binns woke up.

"Uh." Binns looked around, "So how do you think Lavender did?" Most of the class shouted their approval, except for a few Slytherins, who included Draco Malfoy, were holding up signs saying: **THE CAULDRON SISTERS SUCK!**

"Average," declared Professor Binns.

So the class droned on like that, with Harry writing down a bit from every speech. Ron was booing everybody's speech, so he could take them down with him. Then Hermione came up and started to do her lecture, which actually was thirty minutes long, and included her making charts appear out of mid-air to prove how Goblins had become recognized as another race of people and been given many different job opportunities. Harry copied down as much as he could, but Hermione was rambling on so much, he couldn't get half of it down. Everyone clapped happily, except for Draco. Professor Binns considered giving her an 'E' and Hermione looked horrorstruck. But she ended up with an 'O'. She went back to her seat looking like she was going to cry.

"Harry m'boy, you're up." Wheezed Mr. Binns, soon falling back to sleep again. Harry gulped as he trudged to the lectern. He stood erect, trying to look serious, forcing every spasm in his body to concentrate.

At the end of his speech, Harry felt he did pretty well, since all the students looked stupefied.

There was silence.

Then a single applause, unmistakably from Ron, echoed throughout the room. Ron's attempt to make everyone join in was foolhardy; nobody clapped. Ron's weakly applause disappeared, as a trickle of sweat slid down Harry's cheek.

"You copycat! The part about goblin-made underwear was my idea!" shouted a student.

Another bellowed "Yeah! You took my sources of the first goblin ever to do disco!"

Poopicus yelled, "Harry even took my statement where goblins originally used feces as tooth brushes!"

All of a sudden, the class was in an uproar. Surprisingly, Mr. Binns was still asleep through the entire ruckus. Only when Draco threw a vase at him, which went right through his face, did Mr. Binns awake. The crash silenced the room.

"Uhhh…So… How do you think Harry did?" The class exploded in outrage.

"Dreadful." Remarked Mr. Binns, bending his pointy nose to the parchment he was scribbling on with a quill. Harry walked back to his seat. _Well… I tried_. He thought. Then it was Ron's turn. Harry hadn't seen Ron practice his speech, yesterday, and wasn't surprised to see that he wasn't carrying any paper with him. Ron cleared his throat, and held his head high. Binns was already asleep.

"The reason why the Goblin Parliament of 16-eh something-8 was important is because it existed!" No one said a word. "Eh- Professor Binns?"

Binns woke up, "How did you think…eh-"

"Ron."

"Yes, Ron did." The only sound that greeted Ron was the chirp of crickets. "No response at all!" said Professor Binns, his eyes narrowing, "then you get a 'troll'."

Ron was so depressed at lunch that he didn't even talk to Harry about Quidditch.

"I can't believe I'm failing every class." No one paid attention, as Hermione was reading, _The Flyin', the Snitch, and the Earlobe_.

Before he knew what was happening, Oliver Wood, and Angelina Johnson had picked him up and were rushing him out to the Quidditch field. They brought him inside of a tent decorated with red and gold.

"Okay team. As you know Slythr'n is oouerrr-,"

"-Biggest rival," Finished Fred.

"Rem'mber, stay alert an' ready, you can always end up in the inf'rm'ry like I did-,"

"-Every game last year," finished George.

"Remember Wealseys, protect the-,"

"-Potter," finished Fred.

"Could eou stop-"

"-Doing that," finished George.

McGonagall walked into the tent and said, "This is it team! Gryffindor deserves to win after all of the hard work that we've put into this. Gryffindor has to win, because we are the most courageous and noble, of all of the school Houses! Gryffindor has to win because Snape SUCKS!" Everyone agreed on that.

**MEANWHILE**

Inside a more sinister atmosphere of a tent, green-robed figures spoke with hushed voices, very serpentine and quiet. A figure dark and tall soon entered the tent with the rays from the afternoon sky brightening its green and silver curtains.

The figures came to attention. The bat-like silhouette scanned them and came closer.

"Group huddle." muttered Snape. Immediately the Slytherin Quidditch team huddled with their dark leader. He looked at all of their vigilant eyes, ready to win anything.

"Now," he said. "I'll make it short and sweet. Beat Gryffindor or I'll MAKE SURE ALL OF YOU FAIL POTIONS!" All the players gulped, as Snape made to exit.

He froze dead in his tracks. "Oh… I almost forgot." He whispered. "Slither slither yes we can, Yes we know, Snape's the man…" All the players soon joined in. "Slither slither make a pass, knock 'em down and kick their-"

"Teams should make their way to the field! Now WOOD!" came the voice of Lee Jordan, who was going to be commentating on this game. Harry walked up with the team to the exit. An eruption of cheers followed them out, as Harry looked out at all the filled seats. Among the banners were: **POTTER FOR PRESIDENT, **_**POTTER THE TOILET CLOGGER, **_**WOOD IS GOOD, **_**OLIVER SHOULD (finish a game eventually), **_and** GET A DENTIST FLINT! **

Harry knew he would love Quidditch. "Now shake hands team captains," said Madam Hooche, who was already flying above them. Wood stepped up to Marcus Flint, and held out his hand. Flint grabbed it and threw Wood over himself onto the ground with a thud. Oliver let out a disgruntled moan. There was a gasp from the arena, and they all looked for a penalty to be called. Meanwhile, Madam Hooche was rubbing her sore eyes with fierceness, completely oblivious to what happened. Once she noticed that Wood was on the ground she exclaimed "Oh no! Oliver Wood's hurt! Send him to the infirmary!"

After that mess up, Madam Hooche gave some stupid speech about how they should play fair, but Harry wasn't listening, and he was sure that the Slytherins weren't either. Hooche threw the Quaffle into the air, and Harry sped after it, before remembering that he was supposed to go for the golden one instead.

Angelina tried to steal the Quaffle from Flint, and he dropped the Quaffle to put Angelina into a headlock and punch her repeatedly. She fell all the way to the turf. Dumbledore screamed with delight at the cutthroat competition. McGonagall's face was agape as Snape silently whispered, "Yes."

But Katie Bell grabbed the Quaffle and raced toward the hoops, where she scored on the Slytherin keeper who was picking his nose.

"Yes!" yelled McGonagall.

_He's not passing this term,_ thought Snape. Alicia Spinet grabbed the Quaffle after it had gone threw the hoop and attempted to pass it to Katie. However, she was swamped by Flint who broke off the end of her broom, and started beating her with it. Madam Hooche was turned the other way, waving at a charming 5th year boy from Hufflepuff.

_He deserves an Outstanding_, thought Snape.

McGonagall stood up and yelled, "How can you let cheaters like that onto your team SEVERUS!"

"Minerva, it is wise not to argue with the referee." replied Snape. Then the Weasley twins decided that they had had enough of it and came up behind Flint, clubbing him and knocking out all of his teeth. "Yes!" shouted Dumbledore with glee.

"That should fix your smile Flint!" yelled Fred and George as they high-fived each other. Madam Hooche happened to see that and threw them out of the game for ten minutes.

McGonagall was laughing her head off, as Snape clapped at the good refereeing. Katie called a timeout for her and Harry to talk about their strategy, as Snape was awarded Sportsman of the Year, for not complaining about any call last year, (They didn't mention that Slytherin had won the Quidditch Cup though.)

"So Harry, I'll try to play Keeper and get the Quaffle from them, and you try to catch the Snitch as fast as you can." Harry agreed, as Snape began to talk about the qualities he had that made him Sportsman of the Year.

"But I don't mean to brag," said Snape on the intercom.

"It's time for play to resume!" said Lee Jordan, as he shoved Snape out of the way. "What will Harry Potter do now that he only has one other teammate on the field?" Harry set off as fast as he could to find the Snitch, but he couldn't catch a glimpse of it. Katie was frantically trying to fight back the Slytherins but it didn't take long for them to score a hundred and forty points. Katie pointed behind Flint to make him turn around as she stole the Quaffle.

"THAT IDIOT!" yelled Snape, who had stood up from his chair. Everybody stared at him. He smoothed his robes out and sat back down.

Katie took off with the Quaffle yelling, "GET the Snitch Harry!" she took off and threw the Quaffle out of the stadium, before all of the Slytherins ganged up on her and pounded her to the ground. As the Slytherins looked frantically for the Quaffle, Harry looked frantically for the Snitch. Then he saw it, fluttering right over the stupid Slytherin keeper's head. Harry rushed for it, and knocked over the keeper as he tried to grab it.

"Whos it goin'?" asked Hagrid as he snuck up on Ron and Hermione.

"Terrible! Slytherin's been cheating the whole game!" yelled Ron, as Katie crashed face first into the ground. The crowd winced.

"Wha's 'at?" said Hagrid as he saw Harry's broom bucking mysteriously. "'Ell ya don't think anyone could'er jinxed 't."

"It's Snape!" yelled Hermione.

"Now 'Ermione Snape w'ldn't be durin 'at." Hermione pulled out her wand. "'Ermione whatcha doin'!" yelled Hagrid.

"_Tackattack Totalus!" _Suddenly, Snape was covered with at least a thousand different colored tacks, and was writhing uncontrollably in pain, running around like a hyena being stung by a hive of hornets.

"You deserve that Severus!" yelled McGonagall. Quirrell was having a fit of laughter at the scene.

"Think that's funny do you?" Snape yelled. His fist came into contact with Quirrell's nose, sending him headfirst into the bench behind him.

At that exact moment, Harry's broom stopped bucking as he almost grabbed the Snitch, but slipped, as it entered his mouth. He felt a giant lump enter his throat, as he fell off his broom. Soon Madam Hooche was over him muttering "_Xrayium Stomacheemu_. Harry looked up to see that his skin was now transparent, and the Snitch was fluttering in his belly.

"HARRY'S SWALLOWED THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS ONE HUNDRED AND SIXTY TO ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTY!" McGonagall started dancing, and Snape looked more furious than Harry had ever seen him. He took his frustration out by bashing the living daylights out of Quirrell. McGonagall in the meantime screamed her vocal chords out in Snape's face "Who's your Mommy! Who's your Mommy!" Yet, Quirrell's hoarse scream echoed the loudest.

Lee Jordan ended his commentary saying, "Gryffindor moves into second place in the Quidditch Cup. Looks like young Harry's gonna' have some bad bowel movements today."

Harry settled into Hagrid's cabin and started to drink some freshly brewed tea. Ron was still excited about Harry's victory, but as usual, Hermione's mind was way past theirs.

"I still don't get why Snape was trying to jinx Harry's broom. Maybe he was getting him out of the way so he could take what that three-headed dog was guarding?"

"Who told you 'bout _Fluffy_?" Hagrid demanded.

"You named it?" said Ron.

"Anerway you sh'dn't be medd'lin' in 'n affur th's bet'een Al'us Umbleodore and Nicholas Flamel!"

"Dumbledore has a sister!" said Ron

"Nicholas Flamel!" said Hermione

"Could I have some more tea Hagrid?" said Harry.

These nine words will give us twentyfive-thousand words!


	12. The Mirror of Erised

When the HRH gang showed up to their next Charms class, they were thoroughly astounded by the Professor in front of them.

"I will be substituting for Professor Flitwick, today," rang the voice of Snape, as he hunched over, his cloak billowing manically. "Turn to page six hundred and fifty-four."

"The Tickling Charm?" said the second 'H' of the HRH gang.

"Is anyone…" Snape seemed to be choosing his words carefully, "_familiar_ with it?"

Harry raised his hand.

"HA!" yelled Snape, jumping toward Harry, "So it was you!" He pointed a crooked finger to Harry's nose. "You're going to be expelled for jinxing the caretaker! I can't wait to report this!" yelled Snape.

"No you're not!" yelled Ron back. "_Rictusempra!_" Snape seemed to have misplaced his wand, and was producing a fit of giggles, as the force of his laughter was pushing him back toward the window.

"You and…hahha!...Weasley…HAHAGUHHUH!...detention…hagagga…rest of the…hahha…year…guhuhuhhhguhhaaa!" But alas Snape was being pushed back too far; directly through the window fell his bat like, bottom. "HAHA!...EXPELLED…HAGUHHA…BOTH OF YOU YOU!...HAHHEHEH… **CRASH! !. **Harry and Ron high-fived, as the rest of the class, (that weren't laughing themselves.) gasped.

Snape rolled into Dumbledore's office on his wheelchair and stopped in front of the Headmaster's desk.

"So Severus," said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling annoyingly, "What was your view of the situation?"

"This Boy, Potter" he spat out, wincing from the pain afterwards, "attacked me with the Tickling Charm, in an unprovoked assault." Harry looked at Snape with the burning hatred of four months, curiously the time he had known Snape.

"Ah I see," said Dumbledore downing a jug of Butterbeer, "So what happened on your side of the story Harry?"

"Well-er-Snape decided to teach us the Tickling Charm, and I missed Ron-"

"-and it hit Snape straight in the face," finished Ron.

"A very convincing story!" said Dumbledore.

"Headmaster I assure you,-" but before Snape could finish, the next witnesses had walked into Dumbledore's office.

"So was Snape teaching you Tickling Charms today?" asked Dumbledore, his eyes still twinkling, (perhaps an after effect of the Butterbeer.). Harry thought he could count on the Ravenclaws to be on Gryffindor's, well more like against Snape's side.

"Yes." responded the class. Snape looked astounded, though it was hard to tell through the pile of bandages on him.

"Did Harry accidentally hit Professor Snape in the…eh…"

"Nose," said Ron.

"Yes, his big fat nose!" said Dumbledore. Harry could just imagine Snape silently fuming.

"Yes," responded the Ravenclaws and Gryffindors who had been in the class that day.

"So it is settled," said Dumbledore in a very calm voice, "Harry is INNOCENT!" He slammed his mug down in a bad impression of a judge, and performed some spell to fill it back up. Harry and the rest of the Gryffindors were shouting for joy, as Snape yelled to Harry and Ron, "You still have detention with me for the rest of the holidays!" He tried his evil laugh, but apparently his confidence had been shaken too much to perform.

Harry was pretty happy the next few days, he and Ron were able to sabotage Snape's Storage Room, they had a Potions Class where Professor Flitwick substituted for Professor Snape, and Flitwick decided, "I don't know anything about Potions so let's just talk!" He also had a History of Magic quiz on himself, Harry Potter. He knew everything about himself, or at least he thought he did (Hermione still beat him.). Even Dumbledore had come in during a Transfiguration test. "Albus, the students are taking a test."

"Oohps," said Dumbledore, "Sorry," he added leaning over to Harry. "The answer's 'C'."

Yup, he was flying pretty sky high now that Snape was out of his life, but Harry was dreading the day he would come back. Sadly that day was Christmas.

Harry leaned over to see that at the foot of the bed were a pile of presents. "I think I've got some presents?" Harry said oblivious to the fact that he sounded like a total idiot.

"What'd ya expect, turnips?" said Ron. _Maybe you should be able to pass a test on my life when I stayed up all night and told you about it,_ thought Harry, as he decided to look at his presents.

He got a magical whoopee cushion from Fred and George, but decided not to try it out yet. He got some Chocolate Frogs and a book called: _The Dangers of Sleeping in a Four Poster Bed by Mat Tress, Designer of the Revolutionary Seven Poster Bed_. Harry left his bed, suspiciously, to open the rest of his presents. He noticed a package with loopy handwriting that looked like a drunk had written it. Attached were a bottle of some liquid and a cloak.

_Merrii Christmas_

_Keep it. Its time will come._

_Oh, and that rag is something that_

_your father used to carry around._

_He wanted you to have it. So anyway_

_Toodles_

_USE IT WELL_

Harry took a sip of the liquid and immediately spat it out. "Vinegar!"

"Well, he told ya to keep it," offered Ron. Harry shrugged and put it in his trunk. He draped the cloak over himself, and turned to Ron, "How do I look."

"Brilliant!" said Ron.

Harry looked at him strangely.

"I mean-I- your invisible!" Harry looked down to see that yes he was part invisible.

"Don't know how this could come in handy," said Harry. Ron looked like he was about to object, but he noticed that he had got the expansion pack for Virtual Quidditch and rushed off to play it.

Harry and Ron spent most of the day playing with their new gifts, throwing snow balls at each other, throwing snowballs at passerby, and playing Quidditch with the stadium all to themselves. As they walked up to the Quidditch Pitch, Harry remembered, "Hey, aren't we supposed to be reading about Pickolas Dramel?"

"Who cares about Fickilus Lamel, Hermione will figure out sooner or later." So with that, Harry and his Nimbus Two-Thousand, swept (No pun intended. It's a broom ya see. Anyway) the floor with Ron's Comet Model One. Ron boasted that it was the first broom ever mass produced for Quidditch; and Harry didn't have to take Ron's word for it. As they walked back to Hogwarts, they encountered Draco and his mallet head friends.

"So Weasleby, why are you riding that broom, could damage its antique value."

Ron restrained from pulling out his wand.

"Or is your idea of an antique the first ever broom created. I'm sure you still use hand-me-downs from the cavemen…"

"_Rictusempra!" _yelled Ron, and Harry noticed that Ron had finally gotten good at a spell. Draco was rolling around in the snow laughing, as Snape appeared from the shadows.

He muttered the counter-curse to relieve Draco of his laughing, and said, "Looks like detention for you Weasley…and you can come too Potter."

"What if I don't?" said Harry.

"I know a very good buttocks removal charm," sneered Snape.

Ron and Harry were thrown into Snape's dungeon and ordered to take seats. "Today you will be taste-testing toad buttocks to see if they are ripe enough for the Wart Explosion Draught. If either of you move I'll KILL YOU!" said Snape, pointing his wand at them as he walked into his Storage Room. Ron looked appalled at the idea of eating toad buttocks as Harry began to laugh.

"What are you laughing about? We have to eat toad tush," whispered Ron.

"Remember what we did to the Storage Room," said Harry, his smile widening. Ron remembered too; it was only a matter of time.

An explosive _**BOOM **_resounded from the Storage Room, followed by the splats of a liquid. Snape returned to the room, his entire body covered in dung. He wiped some poop off his face and yelled, "_CRUCIO!_" Harry fell on the ground shaking in pain. Before Ron could reach for his wand, Snape had yelled, "_CRU-_ Headmaster?"

Dumbledore walked into the room obliviously, twiddling his thumbs behind his back.

"Ah, Severus, I think it is time these boys got back to their Common Rooms." Snape sneered angrily, before waving them off.

"DID YA SEE 'AT! I WAS ALMOST CRUCIOED!"

"I HATE SNAPE! I HATE SNAPE! I HATE SNAPE!" Harry shrieked as they were walking back to the Common Room.

"Uh…Harry yeh're goin' the wrong-" but Harry had already turned, "need ta vent off some steam I guess," said Ron.

Harry continued to mutter, "I hate Snape" all through the castle, turning wherever he felt like it. He accidentally turned into a room with just a mirror, and started to leave. But, then he noticed something different with the mirror. He, himself, Harry was punching Snape in the face repeatedly. He looked behind him, but no, there was no Snape being beat up. Harry must have stayed up the whole night watching himself pound Snape's face into a bloody pulp. It was definitely one of his finest moments at Hogwarts.

"Ron!" Harry yelled, making Neville flip over in his sleep. "I have to show you something." Ron didn't want to go at first, but after being coaxed (by the Tickling Charm.) he decided to come.

As Harry and he snuck around under the Invisibility Cloak, Ron couldn't resist the urge to kick Mrs. Norris out the window. Its meow echoed through the chambers, and Harry was barely able to swerve around Filch who was racing to his cat's rescue. Harry took another left and found the door to the room. "See, I'm punching Professor Snape!" yelled Harry.

"That's not what I see…" said Ron.

"Well, then what do you see?"

"I'm-I'm making out with Hermi!- I mean I'm –uh- Head Boy! I've won the Quidditch Cup." So Harry and Ron took turns at the mirror for a few hours before they went back to their Common Rooms and enjoyed two hours of sleep.

The next day, Ron slept through breakfast, while Harry stayed up thinking of the Mirror (Which he had newly decided should be capitalized. I mean the Storage Room is, right?).

"The caretaker, Mr. Filch would like to remind you that Mrs. Norris is a member of the faculty and as such should not be kicked, or thrown out windows. Anyway…happy day after Christmas," said Dumbledore to the students in the Great Hall. "This is when the real parting starts going, right Minerva." He leaned toward McGonagall who did not want to meet eyes with him.

Harry spent most of the day thinking about the Mirror, which resulted on Ron scoring on him once during Quidditch. That night Harry snuck back out to the Mirror (Not even the Tickling Charm would persuade Ron.), and continued to relive the smacking of Snape in the nose. Suddenly there was the breaking of glass, and Harry turned around to see that Dumbledore had dropped a glass of Sherry, and was holding a bottle of Firewhiskey even closer to himself.

"'Eh Harry whatch'yure up tooooooo?" he said gulping down some more Firewhiskey.

"Professor what is this?"

"Da Mure o' Era's Head."

"The Mirror of Era's Head?"

"Era's Head."

"So what do you see in it Professor?" Harry wondered.

"I see meslef, I'm quite content thaks very much'ta ya!" he said taking another gulp of Firewhiskey. "I tell ya 'Arry ya shouldn't beeeerrr messin' wit da Mur o' Era;s Head."

"Era's Head?"

"Era's Head!"

"Why are you moving it."

"We need thuh spaceeeerrr fer a disco!"


	13. Nicholas Flamel

**A/N: This chapter title is dedicated to well, Nicholas.**

Harry didn't visit the Mirror after that, because sure enough, a sign was now on the door that read: TEACHERS LOUNGE NO STUDENTS ALLOWED.

Now that Harry's Mirror gazing dreams had hit the lou, he had decided to spend the rest of his holiday playing with Ron on Virtual Quidditch. "You just pick the Tornados because they're the favorite to win this year," said Ron after his Cannons had lost to Harry again.

"No. I choose them because it annoys you," replied Harry. Before Harry knew it, the next term was only one day from starting, and Hermione had returned from home.

"So what did you find out about Nicholas Flamel?" she asked as soon as she got there.

"Uhh," said Harry

"We found out a lot about Ridicules Haybail," said Ron triumphantly.

"Well what did you find out about him," said Hermione folding her arms impatiently.

"Well," said Ron, "We found out that he wasn't in the library." Hermione looked like she was about to scream, but before she could another high, shrill, girly scream echoed through the halls. It didn't take long for Harry to recognize the screaming as Oliver Wood's.

He barreled down the hallway into Harry yelling, "Guess 'oo they made 'eferee?"

"Who?' asked Harry and Ron, at the same time (Hermione was still looking for a chance to scream.).

"Severus SnAApe!" he said, his voice cracking over the professor's last name. Harry's face drooped to the floor at the mention of the evil dictator's name.

"How could you forget about Nicholas Flamel!" yelled Hermione.

"Who cares about Hicolas Daysell? I can't believe this!" yelled Harry, sprinting up to the common room to grab his broom.

"Hey Hermione now that Harry's gone-"

"-We can go search for Flamel in the Library. Come on Ronald!"

It is so demeaning to be called Ronald, like Ronald McDonald; of course Ronald wouldn't know about that because he's a wizard.

Harry grabbed his broom and flew straight through the portrait hole, down a few staircases, until he was at the bottom floor, where a disgusted Filch stood in front of him.

"No ridin' broomsticks through the corridors," said Filch laughing. Harry decided that Quidditch practice was the most important thing in the world at the moment, and ran Filch through, who crashed into the House Points standings, shattering the Slytherin's meter. Harry flew through a window and burst toward the Quidditch Field. The air rushing through his hair was the greatest feeling in the world, the greatest feeling of freedom.

Ron however was having no such luck. "Ronald grab that little one over there," said Hermione as she pointed through the shelves. Ron grabbed a book and handed it to her. "Ronald, this is a children's book."

"It's three hundred pages," said Ron, undoubtedly in the presence of a mad woman.

"I mean that little book over _there_." She pointed again.

"Little" squeaked Ron as he removed a book that made his arms feel like they were going to snap.

Harry flew into the pitch, and began to chase after the Snitch while the rest of his team performed their drills. Harry flew around for at least twenty minutes, before he caught sight of the Snitch and made a dive for it.

"Harry LOOK OUT!" shouted Fred and George, but it was too late. One of their bludgers collided with the back of his head. Suddenly he was somewhere else.

"I got Dumbledore!"

"I got about six of him."

"He's picking his nose." Harry noticed that he was in the train compartment with Ron on the day they had met. He began to read the card to himself, "_Albus Dumbledore is particularly famous for beatin' down the Dark Wizard Grindlewald, discovering that, yes indeed Dragon Blood tastes good as a vinaigrette, and his work with Nicholas Flamel in alchemy._

"Nicholas Flamel!" said Harry now back to playing Quidditch. His broom collided into the ground, and Harry was sent spiraling off.

"I don't really think that all of this is necessary," said Ron, as Hermione dropped book after book into Ron's arm.

"Shut up Ronald," she said testily.

"My name's Ron, like it or not, okay Hermy-ONE!" Hermione looked like she was on the verge of tears as she took the GARGANTUOUS book entitled: _The Encyclopedia of Everything_ and smacked Ron right in the head.

Ron and Harry awoke right next to each other in the hospital.

"Nicholas Flamel!" said Harry who instantly began to eat some of the beans on his tray.

"Ow," said Ron.

"Ron, I found out who Nicholas Flamel is!"

"Ow," said Ron wincing.

Harry leapt off his hospital bed to see that his Nimbus was laid carefully next to his bed.

"Quidditch!" said Harry, remembering that the game was today, and throwing his beans to the floor.

"Ow," said Ron, as he tried to turn over. Harry grabbed his broom as Madam Pomfrey entered the room.

"What do you think you're doing?" she snapped.

"Get outta the way Poppy!" Harry mounted is broom and unfortunately was forced to run old Poppy Pomfrey through. It was easy to get through the rest of the castle, because everybody was at the game.

"Okay, e'ryone. Since –eh- Potter –uh- i'n't here –uh- Angelina youre –eh- seeker and –eh- Lee Jordan is –uh- replacing you as cha-cha-cha-chaser. Look I know the odds are 'gainst us, and I know 'at Fred and George are a bunch of idiots for injuring our star seek'r." Fred and George looked the other way. "But I think 'at even Lee 'an score on 'at fat Hufflepuff keeper." Lee looked offended at that comment. But, soon Harry had flown into the tent on his broom, and the team seemed to be rejuvenated with happiness. Everyone was happy except for Lee who now saw that his hopes at Quidditch fame had been crushed.

"Potter's back! Potter's back! We're gonna win." shouted the twins. Harry laughed at the display of emotion that everyone was showing him. Then something from the corner caught his eye. Quirrell was walking back down the field as Snape gathered the Quidditch trunk and walked toward the middle of the field. He was whistling with his thumbs behind his back, and Harry was wondering if he ever changed clothes.

Get 'o'er here Potter!" said Wood, as Harry stepped back into the huddle. "Now do exactly what you did last time and there's no reason that Snape and the Hufflepuffs should beat us! I'll make sure I get through the match this time." Wood spun his marker board where he had drawn: **TRY TO WIN**, with a sharpie. Then the marker board spun around a second time and smacked Wood on the back of his head, knocking him out cold.

"We knew it would happen eventually," said Angelina, as she went out to the field to represent team captain.

The stadium shook with excitement as Snape proved the focal point of the picture. His black décor seemed to kill off the greenery of the field. Dumbledore was waving his beard at Harry. Harry could only smile and look away.

"Shake hands," Snape's lips curled.

"How'd he get to be ref anyway?" asked Harry.

"I heard he pushed Hooche off the tower, and naturally since he was Sportsman of the Year he was the new ref," said Fred, who was mounting his broom.

"Ready. Set. Go," said Snape very unenthusiastically, and threw the Quaffle to a chaser on the Hufflepuff team. Snape looked like he wasn't built for a broom as he took off, nearly biting the dust.

Harry hovered around the Stadium looking for a glimpse of gold. By the time Harry had circled the field twice, Gryffindor was leading eighty to zero, despite the ejections of Fred and George, who had apparently hit a bludger away from Katie as she tried to score, that had smacked Snape in his nose. Harry noticed that Quirrell had flinched at the sight of Snape's broken nose. Then Harry saw it, the glimpse of gold he was looking for, and rushed straight for it a Hufflepuff seeker in hot pursuit, ready to hand Harry a cupcake if he had to. Harry was inches away from the Snitch when a whistle blew.

"-Eh- Potter's breaking the speed limit," said Snape sneering, "free shot for Hufflepuff."

"There's no rule for speeding," said Harry, but he was desperately trying to search for the Snitch as Hufflepuff took the free shot. It turned out that the Hufflepuff chaser missed the goal even without Oliver there to defend it. But then Harry noticed the snitch again, and rushed off. As he neared it, he turned around to see that a bludger was rushing toward his head. He ducked and the bludger slammed into the Slytherin tower, in a giant explosion.

"An explosive bludger!" yelled Jordan through his magical microphone, "Haven't seen one of those since Charlie Weasley had to get his arm put back on! Sorry Professor!" he said to McGonagall who was staring at him angrily. "And look at all the Slytherins who are falling! HAHA! TO THEIR DOOM!"

"_Bubilicas Miracaspectasavicure!"_ said Dumbledore.

"Oh, look Dumbledore saved them. Dang it! Sorry Professor!" Harry took another dive, and before Snape could blow his whistle, Harry had the Snitch corralled in his palm. "HARRY POTTER CAUGHT THE SNITCH! GRYFFINDOR WINS TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY TO ZERO! YEAH! WE'RE NUMBER ONE!"

Snape landed his broom, sad and defeated. "I can't believe I tried to help Hufflepuff and they couldn't even score."

Harry relaxed in the Common Room, as he and Ron filled Hermione in about everything that had gone on during Christmas and Harry's newfound knowledge of Nicholas Flamel. "Well then you'll have to go check the restricted section for any books on alchemy."

Harry stared at her.

"With your Invisibility Cloak."

"I'm tired Hermione-"

"GO NOW! OR I'LL NEVER HELP YOU ON YOUR HOMEWORK AGAIN!"

"You better help her mate," said Ron.

So Harry was forced to go prowling through the night in the restricted section. He searched through all the books, and grabbed a few on the Dark arts, but was unable to find the book that Hermione had requested. All the Alchemy books just talked about nasal allergy decimation draughts. But then Harry heard a sound which made him drop the lantern he was carrying; the sound of Filch.

"Someone's in here!" he yelled crazily, "You're gonna die!" Harry made a beeline for the exit, and didn't look back, which resulted in him coming face to face with Snape. He instantly retreated backwards to the wall, as Snape stood erect, like he was waiting for someone. After a few minutes Harry heard someone whistling, and Quirrell came around the corner, "Ah, eha-eha-eha- Seve-seve-seve-seve-rus-rus. N-n-n-n-n-n-nice tuh-tuh-tuh-to see yuh-yuh-yuh-you!"

"Shut up Quirell! You know what we're here for!" Snape said quietly, yet still deserving of an exclamation point.

"I-i-i-I-"

"I know that you did it at the Quidditch Match." Harry was having a hard time holding back his hospital beans. "You are wrecking my plans, and nothing will get in the way of my job." _He wants what Fluffy is guarding, _thought the very astute and ready to explode Harry. Quirrell looked like he was about to say something, but instead handed a tape to Snape. Snape grimaced and accepted it with loathing. "This is blood bribery," said Snape, about to turn before he heard a sickening explosion. Harry hadn't been able to keep it in (Those beans were a real killer.).

"Wuh-Why S-s-severus, I did-du-didn't know you were c-c-c-apable of prodoo-doo-doo-doocing a fuh-fuh-flattus."

"That wasn't me you idiot!" yelled Snape, "Someone else is here." Snape reached toward Harry, but stopped an inch short of his nose. Quirrell was frantically searching the walls for an intruder.

Suddenly Filch appeared from around the corner holding a shattered lantern, "Someone's out of bed," said Filch then repulsed by the smell, "Did someone gut a pheasant?"

"It-t-t-t smells lik-k-ke the hospit-spit-spit-al buh-buh-beans!" Harry rushed to exit and get back to the common room, accidentally running over Mrs. Norris.

"He's there!" yelled Filch, who was now running after Harry, but having to stop to help Mrs. Norris, which made Quirrell run into him, and Snap crash into him. A Portrait of an old hag droned at the entanglement of pursuers, "Cleanup on aisle four."

Snape shouted "This is all your fault Quirrell!"

"Ah! My nose!"

Harry whispered "Flatulence!" to the fat lady.

"Indeed." She pouted. "You may enter."

Harry leapt through the portrait hole, and put on his pajamas as fast as he ever had, before falling into his bed. Snuggled in his bed, Harry eyed the figure of McGonagall walking briskly to the portrait hole with a candle. Several voices ensued, most notably Snape's disparaging muttering and Quirrell's eccentric giggles. McGonagall searched the room, making sure each bed was occupied. After McGonagall had searched the beds for the missing person she was quite pleased that a Gryffindor had not broken the rules.

She then walked back to Harry's bed.

"Severus was almost sure it was you Potter, but I told him we needed to conduct a full investigation before taking points. I think he just has a personal vendetta against you."

"Ya think," whispered Harry to himself.

The next day was spent mostly in the library, where Hermione stored all the information on Nicholas Flamel on a computer.

"This isn't working," said Ron, "Why don't you just tweak it."

"What do you mean tweak it?" asked Hermione.

".wiz, the wizard search engine," said Ron.

"That's brilliant!" said Hermione as she searched for Nicholas Flamel. "Nicholas Flamel, inventor of the Wiz-Brush, no. Here it is! Nicholas Flamel, inventor of the Sorcerers Stone!" Hermione looked happier than Harry had ever seen her.

"What's the Sorcerer's Stone?" asked Ron.

"Don't you guys ever read?"

"Yes," said Harry. Hermione pulled out _The Encyclopedia of Everything_, and flipped a few billion pages.

"Not that!" said Ron.

"The Sorcerer's Stone produces gold and a liquid that allows the drinker to live longer. If someone had this they would be practically immortal."

"Wow," said Ron, "That girl over there is hot."

"I know what you mean," said Harry.

"Would you two shut up!" yelled Hermione now standing up, "That's what the dog is guarding!"

"So Snape wants the Stone!" said Harry.

"Yeah, that's why he was limping!" said Ron.

"But he has to get past Fluffy," said Harry.

"That means he's going to ask Hagrid," said Hermione.

"Great," said Ron, "we get to see what Hagrid's breeding in his house today!"


	14. Norbert The Norwegian Ridgeback

**A/N: Sury about the wait. Just ya know... well... enjoy!**

The HRH gang trotted down the steps of Hogwarts, through the grounds toward the gardens, by the Herbology Greenhouses, with a quick detour to the lake, where Hermione fed the giant squid an apple, and back to the path toward Hagrid's hut.

"I'm glad it doesn't take long to walk down here!" said Ron.

Harry knocked on Hagrid's door, and a voice came back through the door, "Yeauh, eh, 'm comin', jus' hol' yer herses!" There was the sound of a shattering teacup, and then Hagrid came through the door. "Oh! It's yuh…'ell come on in!" Hagrid ushered them in with his trash-bin-lid, hands, "'on't 'ant no one to know 'at yer hur."

"Hagrid, why don't you want know one to that we're-"

"Shut up, and get in hur!" he threw all three of them into the hut. "Now whatdaya hur fer!"

"Hagrid we know about the Sorcerer's Stone!" said Hermione, so quickly, that Ron jumped out of his chair, and another teacup died that day.

"Stop breakin' muh teacups, Weasley! We all know yer fam'ly cou'n't afurd ter fix 'um inerway." Ron turned a deep shade of pink as Hagrid turned his attention back to Hermione, "How'd ya know aboot thuh Surceres's Stern?" Before she could respond to his question he said, "It don't mattur! I aint goin ter tell ya anythin' aboot all thuh enchentmunts that errrrre gerdin' the Surceres's Stern?"

"Enchantments?" asked Hermione, as Ron and Harry tried to decipher Hagrid's dialect.

"Yeup seven of 'em! One from meself, one frum thet Sprut of a womern, one er Flitwicks charms, one frum Quirell, one frum Snape, and a grut, and I mean grut one from 'Umbledore! I mean thut is grut! Tha's seven right? An' why am ev'n telling you erboot this! Get outter my 'ouse!"

But something had caught Ron's eye, "Hagrid… what is that?"

Behind a cleverly placed blanket, a slender green head was poking out. "Oh! 'At's Norbert, thuh Norwegian Ridgeback, which is also the name of this chaptur! He finerly hatchen!"

"You have a dragon!" shrieked Ron, who had now left Hagrid's hut and was cowering behind the door.

"He's so cute!" said Hagrid, and even though Harry could understand Hagrid this time he still couldn't believe what he had heard.

"But, Hagrid, those are illegal!" said Hermione, "I read so in the _Animal Control Ordinances of the Seventeen Hundreds_!"

"How do you get enough time to read all of those?" shouted Harry.

"I told yeh ter get outer my house!" yelled Hagrid, angrily, before saying to Norbert, "I'ts okay Norbert, the bad, litt'e, kids arrre gune."

"I can't believe he's got a dragon in his house!" said Ron as he twiddled his thumbs, nervously.

"I can't believe he doesn't know that's illegal!" said Hermione as she tore through a copy of _Animal Control Ordinances of the Seventeen Hundreds._

"I can't believe it's not butter!" said Harry as he ate one of Hagrid's bagels.

The next few classes went by in a blur, as Hermione wanted to tell Hagrid he wasn't allowed to have a dragon, Ron wanted to stay as far away from the grounds as possible, and Harry wanted to have some more of Hagrid's bagels. Quirrell seemed to be a lot more nervous in class, and totally freaked out when Poopicus got up to get a tissue. "I-uh-I thou-th-th-thought-t-t-t-t you wuh-were cuh-cuh-cuh-coming aft-t-t-ter muh-muh-me!," and it seemed that Draco, who had just gotten back from Saint Mungo's after he was turned into a bowl of fruit, had now taken a likening to following the HRH gang around the school.

"Why is Draco following us to Potions?" asked Ron.

"I think he has Potions with us, Ron," suggested Harry.

"Oh, uh, yeah, just making sure."

So Harry and Ron made it through Potions class without blowing anything up, thanks to the book Hermione had lent them; _Not Blowing up Potions for Dummies_. They still flunked, and Snape confiscated the book, along with twenty five points from Gryffindor.

"What if Hagrid gets sacked from this dragon," said Hermione after they were safe in a corridor.

"What are we going to do?" asked Ron.

"Hagrid plays quarterback?" asked Harry, who then remembered he was supposed to be British and quickly changed to cricket.

"So we have to come up with a plan to save Hagrid, from getting kicked off the staff!" Hermione said, completely disregarding Harry's comment.

"Yuh, know…my brother Charlie works with Dragons," said Ron. Hermione stared at him angrily, "In Romania."

"Dragons? Romania?" screeched Hermione.

"Brother? Charlie?" asked Harry.

"We've been talking about Hagrid's Dragon for the whole week, and you tell us that you're brother works with Dragons! Now!" Hermione looked furious. "We could have gotten the Dragon out of here by now, and then we would be able to study more!"

"What do ya mean that we could have gotten the Dragon out by now? I still have no idea how we're going to get the Dragon away from Hagrid," said Harry, and Ron looked surprised that Harry had actually been paying attention to the conversation.

"Obviously," Hermione scowled, "Charlie is going to come pick him up. Right, Ronald?"

"Well..uh…actually me and Charlie and have never been the best of brothers," said Ron.

"C'mon, he would do a little favor for you," said Hermione, crossing her arms.

"We interacted at breakfast, lunch, dinner, and the bathroom," aid Ron counting off the locations on his fingertips.

"The bathroom?" said Harry.

"I was swirlied many a time."

"So tomorrow," mused Hermione who was trying to forget what Ron had said, "we all go down to Hagrid's hut and tell him that Charlie will come get the dragon, after Ron sends an owl to tell him to come pick it up."

"You can use Hedwig, Ron." Ron didn't look to happy at the thought.

After Ron and Harry had finished supper, they rushed up to the Owlery where, after Ron's slip on a few owl pellets, Ron penned his letter.

_Dear Charlie,_

_You know about Hagrid, the _

_Groundskeeper here at Hogwarts._

_He has a little problem with a dragon_

_And if you could come pick it up_

_Before Hagrid ends up getting sacked_

_It would really be a great help._

_Your brother,_

_Ron._

_P.S. Don't tell Percy or mum…,maybe Dad_

"So what do ya think," asked Ron, as he shoved his quill back into a bag.

"I think you have a strange family, now hurry up and give it to Hedwig!" Ron handed the card to Hedwig as Harry took Hedwig to the window. "Get there fast, will ya Hedwig."

"Hoot Hoot Sure Harry!" and with that Hedwig flew away.

"Did you here that?" yelled Harry to Ron, but Ron had already left the Owlery because of the smell. So Harry trekked back to the Gryffindor Common Room, where he fell in to a soft slumber, and dreamt of sugarplum fairies, dandelions and any other strange girlish item that had never been dreamed of before.

The next morning, the HRH gang headed back to Hagrid's hut, just as they had at the beginning of this chapter. After they had told Hagrid about the plan, and Harry had had a few more bagels, Hagrid broke down in a fit of tears.

"What's the matter Hagrid?" asked Hermione, as she started to cast suction charms at the flurry of tears.

"I's just 'as… _sniff_ he's proberly gonna be a little lon'ly ya know, I mean, Nerbert's a li'le smull." The dragon was now perched on Hagrid's table, and Harry noticed that the legs of the table were wobbling frantically. "Boot I _sniff_ guess it's thur best thin' fer 'um. So erm _sniff_, when's he goin ter pick 'um _sniff_ up?"

Harry was about to answer when a white blur shot into the room, narrowly missing Norbert who almost bit its head off. Hedwig, landed on Harry's arm, and dropped a letter into his other arm.

"How'd you catch that with your arm?" exclaimed Ron as Harry ripped open the letter.

_Dear Ronno,_

_I guess I could come by tomurra_

_help you with that dragon problemo_

_and maybe I would have exactly_

_enough time to come by and_

_give you a swirly!_

_Just like old times_

_C-Ly_

"Dragon's supposed to be capitalized!" yelled Hermione.

"Ronno?" said Ron.

"C-Ly?" asked Harry.

"How many times are you going to say stuff at the exact same in this chapter?" yelled Hagrid.

"C-Ly?" continued Harry.

"Oh," said Ron, "That is his underground Romanian gansta name."

"How are we supposed to know when and where to drop him off?" yelled Hermione.

As if in answer to her question, another owl flew through the window, handed a letter to Ron, and turned around to exit the room, before being intercepted by the hungry Norbert.

"Oh lookie!" exclaimed Hagrid, "He's lurned ter hunt fer himself.

Ron began to read the letter.

"_Sorry forgot to give you time_

_An place. How bout tall tower_

_You know the one where Fred_

_And George made all of the_

_Toilets explode, at midnight_

_C-Ly_"

"Yeaaay!" shouted Harry, who jumped up and down in the air like a cheerleader.

"Who's 'at?" yelled Hagrid, who was now pointing a beefy finger toward the window.

"Malfoy?" yelled Hermione.

"Where?" said Ron, who slipped on Hagrid's rug and crashed headfirst into the ground. Draco suddenly launched away from the window and sped through the grounds.

"Now we're in trouble!" yelled Hermione, "And we were just about to catch Hufflepuff for third place!"

"Gruffinder's puttin' thur standards purty low these days," whispered Hagrid under his breathe.

"Whatdya say Hagrid?" asked Harry.

"Oh notin," Hagrid responded, as he cleared off his table. "Ya shoold get backter school now… and let Filch hang yeh." So the HRH gang hiked back to the very large front door with no assessed name, and after a few minutes of pushing it, Hermione scoffed at them and preformed the _Open a Large Door Charm_, confidently strutting through.

Surprisingly, it seemed like no one knew of their trip to Hagrid's and the worst they got was a stern warning from Quirrell for being late. "Tuh-tuh-try to buh-buh-be on t-t-t-time next t-t-t-ime, buh-because I am a Professor of Duh-d-d-defense against-st-st the Duh-duh-Dark Artssssssss…and it uh-it's muh-muh-my job!"

After two boring periods with Quirrell, and a Herbology lesson on feeding Suckuroot, (in which lesson, Neville got each hand stuck in a different Suckuroots.) the gang trekked to the dungeon for Potions, but something seemed to be bothering Harry.

"Harry, what is it?" asked Hermione, as Peeves dropped a flowerpot on Neville's head.

"It's just…how is Charlie able to get here so fast if he's in Romania right now?" Hermione and Ron looked at each other astonished.

"You know how wizards travel, don'tcha Harry?" asked Ron as Hagrid walked into view.

"'On't say no mure Ron," said Hagrid, "'at's not supperesed to be told to Harry until Year Five."

"Hagrid," asked Harry," What are you doing down in the dungeon?"

"Oh, uh just playin' a li'le Scrabble with Perfessur Snape. Well, bye ya two."

"There are three of us!" yelled Hermione.

Harry slipped into his desk, with Seamus, who was now Harry's partner after the first Potions lesson.

"Today," Snape, shoved a few pieces of something into his desk, "we will be making the Fertilizing Firmament; the directions are on the board." Snape tapped his wand, and a few thousand miniscule words appeared on the board. After Harry had dropped the sizzled mouse hair into his cauldron, Snape glided over to Harry's desk.

"Impressive…victory, _Potter_." Snape said and then launching his arms onto Harry's desk he shouted, "Youwontwinagin!"

"Excuse me, Professor," asked Harry.

"Hurry up class!" yelled Snape, who straightened up immediately, "I'll be checking your potions in a few minutes." Harry poured in everything he had in those 'few minutes', literally. After checking everyone's Potions and deducting a total of ninety-five and seven eights of a point from Gryffindor, or was it eleven twelfths of a point, Harry wasn't good at math, Snape bent over to check Harry's potion. After every test Snape ran, the potion was perfect, completely foolproof, the greatest concoction that Harry had made in his whole year at Hogwarts. Seeing no other alternative, Snape stepped away, and launched a fireball from the tip of his wand. The cauldron exploded in Harry's face, covering him in a thick sheet of dark brown…at a loss for a better word, crap.

"Pity," offered Snape, signing a Troll onto Harry's paper.

After the final lesson of the day, Harry collapsed onto his bed, and fell, asleep.

He awoke to Ron's face bent over him, who was shouting, "It's midnight, it's midnight!" After smacking Ron with a nearby shoe, Harry realized what he was talking about, and gathered his Invisibility Cloak and Hermione. After a tearful separation with Hagrid, they took Norbert and headed for the tower. They climbed up the stairs, passed a bathroom labeled_**: DO NOT ENTER UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE ATTACKED BY AN EXPLODING TOILET**_, and reached the top of the tower. Harry looked outside the window to see Charlie, hovering on a broom outside the window.

"You people can ride on brooms!" shouted Harry.

"Harry, you already know that, you're on the Quidditch Team" said Hermione.

"Oh sorry," said Harry, "brainfart." They tore off the cloak, and Charlie almost fell off his broom.

After a very cheery reunion with Charlie, the HRH gang ran down the stairs at full speed, trying to get out as fast as they could.

"Wait a second," said Harry, who Hermione noticed was having an epiphany; "Draco was probably just trying to be friends with us and was scared we would get angry at him."

Hermione muttered something under her breath as they came to the bottom of the stairs. She then noticed that a shadowy figure had just leapt out in front of them.

"We forgot the cloak!" she yelled.

"Here's your sign," scoffed Filch.


	15. The Forbidden Forest

The HRH gang sat down in front of McGonagall's office, and Hermione began to tremble with just the sight of McGonagall's door.

"Okay," said Ron, "we were just going to finish some of our Astronomy homework, and since we're first years we didn't know that it was against the rules!"

"McGonagall is nuh-not that stu-stupid R-r-r-Ron," Hermione trembled.

Suddenly McGonagall's door flew open, beckoning them to enter. Harry led the way, with a deep in thought Ron following, and a shaking Hermione trampling in last.

"Take a seat!" McGonagall commanded, waving her wand and conjuring three chairs out of midair. Harry looked to his right to see that the snob Draco was sitting in a chair on the other side. "So," McGonagall mused, "Draco told me that you three were out late so you could deliver a Dragon out of the school."

Harry spoke first, "Dragon? ...those are real?"

"Of course they're real Potter, and you know it!" McGonagall shouted, "We all know you fed some stupid story to Draco to get him out of bed and in trouble, but I can't believe that you actually would go to the Astronomy Tower for no reason!"

"We wanted to finish our homework," squeaked Ron.

"Mr. Weasley that is the stupidest excuse I have heard in all of my years, but I'm not surprised that it was you who came up with it." Ron mouthed, 'It was worth a try,' to Harry.

"Now for punishment!" Hermione was turning white at an alarming rate. "All four of you will have detention and fifty points will be deducted from your house!"

"There are three of us!" shouted Hermione.

"What about Mr. Malfoy? He was also out of bed at night." Harry snickered mischievously at McGonagall's comment. Draco began to say something, but McGonagall cut him off, "Now all of you off to bed right this instant and you will also report to your detention tomorrow night outside of the school beside Hagrid's Hu-house."

Harry was astounded that McGonagall was able to get out that sentence out without any pauses. The HRH gang moped back to their dorm (that's short for dormitory (Credit Wikipedia.).).

Harry slept very well that night. Maybe it was just that rule breaking came naturally, like the sleep that was covering him now, or maybe, it was just what Fred and George had slipped into his Pumpkin Juice. Harry didn't even awake when a sleepwalking Neville leapt on top of him and put him in a Full Nelson (Credit Wikipedia also.).

Harry woke up extremely early for himself. Maybe it was just the fact that he had such a good sleep last night, or maybe it was the fact, that the Whomping Willow had hurled a mockingbird through his window.

Harry strutted into the Common Room, where he saw Hermione perched in one of the couches. "Whatcha doin'?" Harry asked.

"I have to write a paper on Tagglejum so I'm Wizipedia-ing it."

"Wizipedia is a writer's best dang tool."

"Dang straight!" answered Hermione as she typed vigorously. Two hours later and after peoples the size of a small neighborhood migrated into the one Common Room, Ron emerged through the door.

"Last person out of bed I see," said Hermione as she recopied her notes into a separate notebook.

"Nuh-uh!" said Ron who was trying to get his hair to stay down, "I beat Neville out!"

"Neville's always last!" said Harry who was now pushed up against the wall by the crowd of Gryffindors. "He's missed Snape's entire class once!"

"I wonder how many toad buttocks he had to peel," mumbled Ron.

The HRH gang set down in the Great Hall in front of a steaming pile of bacon, except for Ron who was sitting in front of some stewed cabbage.

"I hate being poor!" he said, stabbing his fork into his cabbage, which was now shooting some juice at the late to breakfast Neville.

Dumbledore was not attending. A rumor was circling that he had put his underwear on over his pants and had to go change.

Harry turned around to grab some ketchup, (Some people like it on eggs guys!) but saw McGonagall say something to Snape.

"You smell like wet dog, Severus!" she said laughing, as Harry saw whatever color that had been left in his stone cold grey face disappear.

"Did you hear that?" said Harry.

"You know what that means," said Hermione.

"It's just strange," said Ron, "I never thought of Snape as a pet guy."

"No you idiot," Hermione shouted, ripping a few strands of bushy hair out of her scalp as her eyes rippled with bloodshot…ness, "It means he was trying to get past Fluffy."

Suddenly Harry heard a few students leave their tables (The entire Ravenclaw table had left half an hour ago.).

Harry felt alone. No one talked to the HRH gang during all of the day's classes, but gave them intensive stares of anguish and hate.

Snape was never as excited as he was that day. He snickered every time he stepped passed Harry and Seamus' desk (Seamus wasn't talking either). Snape was so happy he announced it to the class. "As you will soon find out Mr. Potter and his two accomplices were caught out of bed last night. If you're in Slytherin you should personally thank them for their help in handing us the House Cup!" He snickered loudly.

"Today we will be creating a potion that will turn fabrics green. We will obviously be using it to change all the tapestries to our favorite color."

Harry was in a never-ending daze for the rest of the day. He didn't fall asleep in History of Magic, but he didn't hear anything either. Hermione read _How to Become Teacher's Pet After a Mistake_ as Professor Binns droned on.

For lunch they sat with only themselves as the rest of the school exiled them. Slytherin students congratulated them on their success as they passed the table. They made no conversation. Hagrid simply walked by and nodded his head sympathetically.

In Transfiguration McGonagall began with a speech on conduct. "While some of us dishonor the name of their houses," her eyes opened wide as she stared at Harry, "others should realize that the integrity to their houses is more important than their personal enjoyment."

School was finally over. The whole day led up to this. Detention.

Filch walked them to Hagrid's going on and on about all the torturous devices they used on kids back in the day.

"So there was once a kid who was too fat to fit in the school commissioned Iron Maiden. Built him a larger one myself I did. But he was so large…well…sniff he broke into tiny chunks of wood. I loved her…sniff named her Molly I did"

"All righ' you c'n shu' up now," Hagrid said.

"Oh…yes. Didn't notice we were here." He walked back to the castle, his tears cascading to the ground.

"He's a brok'n man he is. I mean it gets wurse whun yuh see whut happ'ns to his ca-" Hagrid stopped. "Uh-an'way we're goin' inter the Ferbidd'n Furest turday."

"But we can't go in there," Draco piped, "It is forbidden!"

"Now why wouldya think 'at?" asked Hagrid incredulously.

"Well, it has to be forbidden if that's what the name states!"

Hagrid seemed to not understand what Draco was saying. "Anyway wur goin' inter thuh furest ter help pertect the unicurns. I mean, who can purtect the pur cretchers if we don'. Thur has to be a stand against this untulerable tretment of these hopeless little beins."

"Shut up you old oaf."

"Who said 'at?" screamed Hagrid.

Hermione raised her hand.

"Uh-anyway, lets –er- go."

They trekked through the woods for a few minutes before they came up to a wounded unicorn.

"It's okay baby. 'ncle 'Agrid's hur for ya." Hagrid tried to bandage the unicorn's wound; it smacked him in the head with it's free hoof and galloped off through the forest.

"Sumtimes they jus' don't realerize thut I'm hur to help 'em. So anyway we're gonna split up inter grups er two and looks fer unicorns ter help. Okay. Uh, 'Ermione and Ron come with me…and Hurry and Mulfoy go by yourselfs."

"Hagrid, why do we have to split up?" asked Hermione.

"'Cause it wouldn't be vury helpful if we wur thur when Hurry and V- I , mean unicurns are scured when ev'r they see mur than three people when we try ter help. So-uhh-…bye."

And they left. "This sucks," Draco said matter-of-factly.

This may be the first time Harry agreed with him. They walked on farther and farther into the dark void that was the Forbidden Forest. They said nothing, except for the occasional "I'm so tired" by Malfoy.

Malfoy stopped in midstride saying, "I think it's my father!"

"Where?" said the visually challenged Harry.

"Right there you idiot!"

"I can't see anything!"

"In the black cloak right there!"

"Everything's black."

Draco ignored him and ran down a hill to get closer to his father.

"AAAUUUUUGGHHH! A piercing squeal erupted from ahead of Harry. Malfoy came running back. "IT'S NOT MY FATHER!"

Harry, who was still leaning over to see the dark figure, fell off the escarpment and crashed down the hillside, ripping his pants on the way down. In front of him stood a cloaked figure, twiddling a champagne glass in its fingers, filled with the silver blood of a unicorn.

"Would you like a tassste Harry…_**P**_otter!" he slithered forward, Harry stood motionless. But the cloaked figure didn't look down to notice a large tree root right in front of him. The dark man crashed to the ground, his cloak also ripping on the way down, as Harry ran up the hill as the cloak figure hissed in agony and followed. Suddenly, Harry felt the sensation of being lifted off of the ground.

He screamed, "HE'S GOT ME HAGRID!"

A voice whispered in his ear, "Calm down, dude. Totally take a chill pill." But Harry continued yelling as they drew farther from the demon and closer to Hagrid.

"'Arry! What's thur mattur?" Harry fell to the floor. "Firenze, whut happun'd?"

"Harry was attacked by the unicorn killer dude." Hagrid looked like he was about to say something, but Firenze continued. "Mars is really bright tonight. Especially since the new crop of _High In The Sky _bloomed. It's the best I've ever had. You absolutely have to try it. You feel like you're floating and all of the lights are just so bright…" Hagrid and the group snuck out from Firenze as he continued to ramble on and on about his 'magic plant'.

"Wut er happn'd ter Mulfoy?"

"He ran away. He thought it was his father at first though."

"Yuh need ter furget ya ever saw 'at. Ya shuoldn't be lurnin' so fast."

They continued back to the school. Hagrid filled out passes for them to get into to school late with his unreadable handwriting.

They all crashed in the dormitory from exhaustion.

"It had to be Voldemort," was the first thing Harry uttered as he sat down in a rather comfortable chair.

"It has to be," said Ron.

"So Snape wants the Sorcerer's Stone so he can give it to…You-Know-Who so that he can become powerful and they can take over the wizarding world again," Hermione offered.

"Exactly!" said Harry.

Ron was still trying to wrap his mind around it all.

"We have to get it before Snape," Harry said valiantly.

Ron was still thinking.

"When?" asked Hermione.

"Tomorrow," answered Harry.

"Woah!" Ron exclaimed. "Wait a minute. Tomorrow we're going to try to get past that dog. I doubt we'll have a chance. We need to figure out how we can stop it. We need to trick Hagrid into telling us."

"That seems like a better idea," Hermione said. Harry grunted his sign of approval and went up to his room to sleep.

There was a package sticking out form underneath Harry's bed. He pulled off the wrapping to find his soft cloak underneath. Attached was a small sticky-note.

_Remember to put pants _

_on before underwear_


	16. Through The Trapdoor

"So are we gonna go get the Sorcerer's Stone today?" Ron chirped as he strutted into breakfast late.

"That was the plan wasn't it," said Harry slurping some Zha Jiang Mian, "But then it turned out that we had finals today."

"Well I guess I wasn't worried about it considering it was a statistical impossibility for me to pass anyway," Ron said happily as he took a seat.

"How did you figure out that?" Harry asked aghast.

"Oh," Ron replied eating Mapo Doufu, "Hermyone told me." Ron laughed at his fully original joke as someone passed behind.

"Well then Ronald, I guess I'm not helping you find the Sorcerer's Stone!" Hermione scowled. "So what's it going to be Harry? Me or Ron? CHOOSE!" Hermione shrieked breaking Albus' milk glass as it sputtered down his chin.

"You know that 2nd year Ravenclaw girl with the Asian name?" Harry seemed to have ignored Hermione completely; "She is so hot."

"I quit," sighed Hermione.

Finals went swimmingly for Harry who was able to manage an 'Average' with Flitwick's Removal Charm, despite removing the paint from a famous eighteen century painting. He got a 'Dreadful' in history of Magic because he only answered the question about his birthday correctly. Harry's forgetfulness potion was so good that Snape forgot how good it was and gave him a 'Troll.' In Transfiguration Harry thought he would get top marks for transfiguring a peace of wood into _War and Peace_, but Hermione turned her block into a Kindle.

"It's amazing," gasped McGonagall, examining it with her hands.

"My parents bought me five in the Muggle world because I wore them all out," Hermione beamed.

"I have no doubt Ms. Granger," McGonagall said, wearily scribbling down an Outstanding.

The final Final (tee hee hee) was Professor Quirrell's.

"Oh gee, I can't wait to draw two animals having a go of it in the wild," Ron joked on the way to class.

However, Quirrell announced that the class would be going out to have their first 'field experience' as he called it for their final. The class erupted with shouts of joy.

"N-na-na-na-now don't guh-get tuh-tuh-too hasty!" Quirrell squeaked.

"Why don't you just sing us Hey Jude and be done with it, you stuttering fool!" Weasely screamed. Quirrell didn't hear.

Quirrell escorted them to the lake (after running away from a dangerous pack of gnats) where he stopped to take a breather.

"So are we going to get to fight the giant squid?" Malfoy whipped out his wand.

"Wuh-well Mr. Muh-Malfoy…" Quirrell tried to respond.

"Let me professor! I'll teach that stupid squid to mess with a Malfoy. I do a mean Killing Curse," Malfoy started jumping around as Crabbe and Goyle smirked triumphantly.

"I duh-don't think we've gone over that one yet…eh."

Suddenly the waters rumbled and the head of the giant squid erupted from the water. A large gasp escaped the crowd as Malfoy screamed, "Daddy save me!"

"This is why I duh-don't like to luh-luh-luh-leave the cuh-classroom kuh-kiddies!" Quirrell squealed as he fell to the ground in perfect synchronization with an audible grunt. Harry dismissed it from his mind as a giant tentacle swept toward him.

"Harry look out," Hermione yelled.

_But I'm Harry Potter, _he thought, _I'm invincible_!

The tentacle swung mightily through the air nearing Harry's puny body. In a split second the tentacle changed direction, instead sweeping Poopicus Brownwipe off his feet and tossing him across the lake farther than the eye could see.

"Ruh-ruh-RUN AWAY!" Quirrell yelled as his students retreated, Poopicus still soaring.

As they all caught their breath in front of the Hogwarts gate, Hermione asked what grades they would be getting on their finals. "Oh, an 'Outstanding of course, for all of you!" Ron's weeping was drowned out by a large "HOORAY!"

"Ron, why are you weeping?" asked Harry.

Wiping away a tear he said, "Here I was, Ron Weasely, thinking I would be the first student in the history of Hogwarts to get a troll on every final. Now I'm just another stupid Weasely…I could have been a really stupid Weasely." He collapsed into Harry's arm crying madly.

"Well you all guh-get 'Outstandings' excuh-cuh-cept for Buh-Buh-Buh-Brownwipe. He duh-deserves a 'Troll' for buh-being so stupid."

"Now that our finals are done," Hermione blabbered on as they walked through Hogwarts, "I was thinking we should see if Hagrid can help us get past Fluffy."

"And here I was," said Ron, "thinking we wouldn't have to worry about anymore crap all school year, and Hermione wants to do some work!" He rolled his eyes melodramatically before walking into a pillar.

"Do you really think Hagrid would tell us how to get past Fluffy?" Harry asked, completely disregarding an injured Ron clutching a broken nose.

"I don't know," Hermione pondered.

"Well, it is Hagrid," Ron sputtered lifting himself from the floor.

"Look, thur is no way I'ma tellin' yuh how to get past ol' Fluffy!" Hagrid bellowed, "An' Weserly, stop bleedin' on me bleedin' floor!" Ron clutched his bloody nose with a few dirty towels.

"Surry Hagrid," he sniffed.

"Look Hagrid," Hermione ignored Ron's obvious pain, "we have to get the Sorcerer's Stone before Snape gets it and gives it You-Know-Who!"

"Who's Ya-Knoo-Who?" Hagrid asked. Hermione face palmed as Harry took over.

"Look Hagrid the Sorcerer's Stone can freaking turn stuff to gold! Isn't that cool?"

"Uh, yeah I guess," Hagrid replied. "Look, yeh shouldn't be meddlin' in other good people's business. I mean I'm not jus' gonna tell any poor sap wit' a lightenin' scur on his bloody forehead that Fluffy is really just a sap fer cute little knitted clothing, ya know? Like one time I got her this cute li'le dress 'at she wure. It was jus' so perfec'…"

Hagrid continued to ramble on as the HRH gang slipped away.

"So all we have to do is give something to Fluffy to wear and then we can just walk on through," said Hermione as they walked back up the hill to Hogwarts.

"Yeah, but where are we gonna get some cute knitted clothes that would fit a giant dog?" Ron questioned as they passed into Hogwarts.

"Wait," Harry said. An idea had just come to him. "Hermione, didn't you spend the summer knitting phat hats?"

"Well, not the entire summer," she replied. "I read so many wonderful books-"

"That's it!" said Ron. "We could give Fluffy a hat!" Ron looked so proud of himself.

"Except we'd need three of them and they might need to be fatter," Harry declared as they took to the stairs.

"I think I've got a few in my trunk. C'mon!" Hermione shouted.

"Did Hermione just make a grammatically incorrect statement?" Harry asked in bewilderment.

"How would I know?" said Ron.

Hermione came down the stairs from the girl's dormitory to the Gryffindor Common Room, with three phat hats in her hands.

"And I've got just the charm to make them fit Fluffy perfectly," Hermione glowed.

"Okay," said Harry. "We'll wait until nightfall and get the stone before Snape has a chance to."

"Hey Harry," Ron started. "How come you're so interested in getting the Sorcerer's-"

"Quiet Ronald!" Hermione interjected.

"Surry." Ron flinched. "Why do you want it so bad now?"

Harry looked Ron right in the eyes and said, "Because I'm Harry Potter."

Ron looked at him strangely for a moment and then said, "Oh yeah. You're right."

Darkness couldn't come fast enough for Harry, and when he and Ron were sufficiently sure that Dean and Seamus were fast asleep, they slipped out from their beds and traveled downstairs to the Common Room. Hermione stood waiting for them at the bottom of the stairs.

"Took you two long enough," she whispered.

"Let's do this," Harry said.

"Yeah," said Ron.

Just then, one of the comfy red Gryffindor chairs turned around and a voice whispered, "Going somewhere?"

Ron fought back a shriek as his heart skipped a beat.

"It's only Neville," said Hermione.

"Oh thank God! I thought that was McGonagall," Ron stated.

"His voice is quite feminine," Harry replied.

"Enough!" Neville shouted. "I'm not going to let you go out there and get in trouble. Gryffindor can't afford to lose anymore points after what you guys did earlier."

"Neville!" shouted Harry. "We're in last place! It's over! We have no chance of winning! Now get out of my way before I'm forced to tickle you!" Harry raised his wand.

"You can't bully me this time! I'll punch your lights out!" Neville put up his fists, but his defense was short lived as Hermione shot a hex that headed right for his head. It collided and then rocketed him into the wall, sticking him there.

"What did you do to him?" Ron asked as they crawled out the passage.

"I glued his mouth shut," Hermione giggled.

The HRH gang donned the invisibility cloak. It was tough work getting them all under there, but luckily they were still just little tykes. They hurried to the first floor corridor dodging Mrs. Norris, who was chasing a mouse, Peeves, who was tickling one of the suits of armor ("STOP! PLEASE! I BEG OF YOU!"), Filch, who was eating some ramen noodles, and the Fat Friar, who was attempting to eat ramen noodles but failing miserably. His cries followed them down the hall.

After what seemed like hours they found the door. Strangely, it was unlocked.

"Someone's been here," Hermione whispered nervously.

"Time to work your magic, Hermione," Harry said as they slipped into the room and removed the cloak.

There was Fluffy, majestic as ever, yet peculiarly wearing a purple sweater and three black bow ties.

"Only Snape would force it to where those bow ties," Ron said with disgust as Hermione pulled out the phat hats.

"_Increcius Times Five_," Hermione yelled pointing her wand at the hats. Fluffy roared as the hats began to increase in size.

"This should be good enough," Hermione smiled. The hats were now as wide as Fluffy's heads.

"Hey Fluffy," Hermione said in a baby voice, "Who wants a cutsie hat?" One of the heads lay down and Hermione placed one of the hats snuggly upon it. "Who's a good dog?" Hermione said and the others followed suit.

"Too easy," said Ron as they lifted the trapdoor. "So who first," he asked.

Harry gave him a shove and Ron screamed as he fell into the darkness below.

"What's down there?" Harry called.

"I can't believe you did that Harry!" Ron screamed again.

"What's down there Ronald?" Hermione demanded.

"I don't know," he stated, "but it's real itchy."

Hermione and Harry shrugged and jumped in together, Fluffy still admiring its hats.

Harry felt himself fall into something real squishy. It wrapped around his body slowly.

"What is this?" Harry yelled, beginning to feel a lot less like Harry Potter.

"I don't know," Ron screamed, "But it's tickling where one isn't supposed to be tickled."

"That's funny it isn't doing anything to me," chimed Hermione as she slipped through the vines to the ground below.

"Hermione!" Ron and Harry yelled.

"Oh!" Hermione exclaimed. "I know what this is! I read about it in Herbology."

"Screw Herbology! What is it?" Harry screamed for dear life. The vines began to crush his body faster and faster.

"It's Stupidity Snare, the more you do stupid things, the more it's going to hurt you."

"How do we kill it?" Ron screamed as a vine smacked him in the face.

"Stop being stupid and say something intelligent!" Hermione puffed.

"E equals MC squared," Harry yelled and the snare let him go.

"Good job, Harry," Hermione applauded.

"You know me," he said as he sat down on the ground, visibly shaken.

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!" Ron screamed as the vines covered his face.

"Say what Harry said!" Hermione suggested loudly.

"E equals…aw! I forgot it already," Ron cried.

"Are you serious Ron?" Hermione ripped some bushy hair from her scalp.

"WHAT'S THE POINT?" Ron was in tears now. "I'M USELESS TO YOU GUYS ANYWAY!"

Suddenly, Ron felt the snare release its grip and drop him to the floor with a **plop**.

"Well, this is awkward," Ron whispered as he rubbed the back of his head.

The gang continued onward down a dark tunnel. They came to a door which Harry promptly opened, revealing a large chamber with thousands of flying bugs.

"Not bugs," pleaded Hermione.

But on closer examination, they weren't bugs at all but merely keys with wings attached to them that were zooming above their heads. They traveled onward to the other side of the room where they found another door and a broom nearby.

"Okay," Ron said sizing up the keys, "Here's the plan-"

"Ron," Harry said.

"I'll fly through the air and try to find the key that fits this door-"

"Ron."

"I'll throw em to you, Hermione and you can try em on the door."

"RON!" Harry screamed.

"Geez, what is it Harry?"

"First of all," Harry looked like steam was about to pour from his ears, "You don't make any plans! I do!" And then with a wave of his head, "_I _am the Chosen One."

_And it's capitalized_, Hermione thought.

"Secondly, the door's unlocked. Whoever went through here earlier was an idiot."

A pause.

"Snape," they all agreed.

Harry opened the door. Beyond them was a pool of water with three boats of different sizes floating in it. A giant wall stood in front of the pool obscuring the view of the other side.

"Is this…" Harry wondered.

Hermione finished, "Battleship…"

"What's that?" Ron asked.

"A muggle game," Hermione responded, "You wouldn't know you ignorant wannabe wizard."

"Is this Be-Mean-To-Ron-Day?" he asked.

"No, that's tomorrow," said Harry.

"It looks like we must duel... Potter."

There was no mistaking that voice.

"Snape," they all three said.

"Yes," he let an evil laugh bellow. "It is me, the Potions Master!"

_Dang it_, thought Harry, _How'd he get that capitalized?_

"But even now, Potter, it isn't too late to run away. Just go ahead and run away like your coward father! Run Potty, run!"

"Don't insult my father you hook-nosed goat-lover. I've had enough of your crap. Let's do this." The gang couldn't see but Snape was obviously taken aback.

Harry jumped on to the smallest boat. "I'll take the smallest one because I'm the hero and I sacrifice for my friends."

"But Harry," Hermione noted, "the smallest boat has the smallest chance of being hit!"

"Shut up and pick a boat!"

Hermione jumped onto the mid-size boat, as Ron swam to the largest one.

"You'll regret ever being born when I crush you Potter!" Snape howled as the battle commenced. "D2," he said smugly.

From the wall that separated our heroes and the goat-lover a giant ball of metal appeared.

"Holy crap!" Ron yelled.

The ball flew through the air, speeding toward D2. It rumbled menacingly. It must have weighed a few tons. It collided with the water.

It made a cute little _sploosh_ sound.

Harry and Ron began to laugh uncontrollably.

"We'll see who's laughing when I defeat you!" Snape yelled, though he was beginning to get nervous.

Between fits of laughter Harry was able to squeak out, "D2."

Snape who was standing at the very back of his battleship suddenly broke into a cold sweat. D2 was the exact front of his boat. Before he could move the giant metal ball raced toward the front of the boat.

His last thought was _Why, cruel fate, oh why?_

The boulder smashed the front of the ship propelling Snape through the air like a first year on a see-saw with Uncle Vernon, and Snape collided with the wall that separated him from the stupid Potter kid. It knocked him instantly unconscious.

"We won!" screamed Ron who had been fretting from the beginning since he knew none of the rules.

Then, the divider turned to the side and a rush of water pushed the boats down a tunnel. The boats parked themselves in front of a large metal door. It took the whole gang to push it open.

"What's the point of this?" Ron asked as they stepped through the room.

"Shh!" was the reply from Hermione.

The room was completely bare, except for a door at the other end of the room. They advanced cautiously, examining every corner or flicker of movement. Suddenly something white and menacing came up from the ground and Ron screeched like a Banshee.

Before them stood a cardboard cutout of a ghost, the kind that little kids dress up like for Halloween with a sheet and two holes for eyes.

"I guess it was supposed to scare us to death…" Harry stood bewildered. "Must have been Quirrell's."

They all nodded, Ron still a little scared, and headed for the next room.

Inside there was a large fireplace with a bright blue fire roaring in it. In front of the fireplace was a table with a collection of liquids on it and a note.

They all began to read the note.

"Say Hermione," Ron started, "could you read it all out so we get the gist of it?"

"Fine," she scowled removing the sheet from the table.

_Love_

_Tender Bosom_

_For Her Me_

_Floating Deep Dark Pain_

_Lily_

"That bastard!" said Harry.

"Hey, look on the bright side, at least he's nursing a concussion," Ron offered.

"Guys, I think this is some kind of clue," Hermione said.

"Look we don't time for clues and Haikus here!" Harry suddenly looked angry. "Now we're just gonna have to do some guess work, aren't we?" He looked at Ron and Hermione.

"Ron, try this one," He said holding a green liquid up to Ron's face.

"I'd rather not," he moved his hands squeamishly.

"DRINK IT!"

"Ok," he cried, downing the potion.

"How's it feel?" asked Hermione.

"I feel…good," he said, "Like I just had a Bulgarian Buffalo Burger. I've honestly never felt this way-"

He stopped and let out a burp.

"Not again!" He yelled as fat began to form all over his body.

"It's a Blubberification Brew," Hermione gasped as Ron grew.

"Darn bou Harry!" Ron shouted through his jiggling jowls. Harry didn't seem to notice (Or care).

"Try this one Hermione," Harry offered holding a yellow potion to her face.

"Harry, this is a stupid plan," she said.

"I MAKE THE PLANS HERE! I'M THE CHOSEN ONE! SO GET USED TO IT!" Harry bellowed as he poured the liquid down her throat.

Hermione began to scream as her hair stood on edge (It was almost as long as her body when it was on end.) and she began to shake like she was having a seizure before collapsing to the ground and fainting.

"So that's the Tazer Draught," Harry said rubbing his chin, and wondering which potion to try next. He looked up and down the potions till he noticed something. A red potion was only half as full, as if someone had already taken a drink before Harry had gotten here.

"You've got to be kidding me!" Ron jiggled as Harry took a drink. "You had to get me blubbered up and Hermione shocked when the potion was right in front of you!"

"Too bad I have to leave you guys now. Toodles!" Harry waved his fingers, ignoring Ron as he walked into the fireplace.

On the other side of the fireplace there was only a door. _This must be it, Dumbledore's enchantment_. Harry began to wonder what the great wizard had come up with but all he could think of was lemon drops and rainbows.

_No! Dumbledore's is going to be brilliant and if I want the stone that can create gold I'm going to have to be at the top of my game_. With this thought in his greedy little head, Harry stepped into the chamber unprepared for the horror that awaited him.


End file.
